Mummy Zen

I was at a playgroup yesterday and was talking to another mum whose daughter is a few months older than my son. She was telling me how difficult it is anytime she leaves somewhere to go home. Her daughter will lie on the floor, kicking and screaming and not wanting to go. Her mother had advised bribing her with chocolate biscuits so that was what she planned to try when it came to the end of the playgroup. I watched as she carried out her screaming daughter, telling her she could have a chocolate biscuit. She put her in the pushchair and gave her the promised biscuit and her daughter calmed right down and nibbled happily on it. The mum was relieved and impressed that her mother’s tip had worked. She had started to dread going anywhere because of her daughter’s tantrum when it was time to leave but now it seemed, she had a successful way to deal with it.

I had to wonder to myself whether rewarding her daughter’s screaming with a chocolate biscuit was really a successful solution. I am yet to experience a tantrum with my son but I can appreciate how stressful they can be for a parent and that every mum wants something that will fix the situation fast.

We all know tantrums are a toddler’s expression of frustration, growing independence and sometimes a demand for attention. They are a challenging side of parenting and an exercise in our own self-control and patience. From what I’ve read, the overriding pieces of advice for dealing with tantrums seem to be as follows:

• Ignore the child’s outburst as much as possible.
• Avoid yelling or making a scene and try to stay calm.
• Distract the child with something else.

Once over, the tantrum should be forgotten and a hug given to the child. Praising good behaviour and allowing your child to have choices when possible are thought to help towards minimising the number of tantrums.

Sometimes it will be simply tiredness or hunger that cause a tantrum. Hunger should be easily dealt with if you carry snacks and a drink with you when you are out and ensure your child’s been fed before a supermarket trip or other visit where you want to avoid a melt-down. Tiredness can be harder to control if you’re doing something out of their usual routine, like travelling or attending a wedding for example. We all have those days when our children refuse to take a nap and sometimes there’s just nothing you can do!

There are no easy answers for dealing with trying toddlers. The best thing we can do as parents is to try to be calm around them, identify what might have caused a tantrum so we can address it if it’s related to food, tiredness or them needing help with a task and remember that it is after all a stage in their development and won’t last!

How do you deal with toddler tantrums? Do you have any advice to share to other mums?

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When our son was first born, one piece of advice from a member of the extended family was to start reading to him immediately. She thought it helped them get used to being read to before they are at an age where they can fidget and move away. Both my husband and I are quite keen readers anyway, but we took her advice and started reading to our son early on. When he was  too tiny to stay awake long or notice the book properly, we would just read our own books aloud to him for a little while. As he got a bit older, we started reading children’s books to him and as with most parents, a story before bed is part of his bedtime routine. Now at age one and a bit, he loves books and being read to. He’ll sit quietly on your lap and help turn the pages. He loves books with flaps to lift too.

I just added a few children’s books to my Library page on here. Interestingly, none of them are books I had in my own childhood but they are all enjoyed by our son and we like reading them too! I do however have memories of my parents reading books to me regularly and I grew up loving to read. Two books stick out in my memory in particular. One is a large flower fairy book that was probably between two and three feet high and used to be my mother’s. It was thirty or so years old when I was a child and a bit fragile, beautifully illustrated and unique for being so big a book. The other, is Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats by T. S. Eliot, a collection of humorous cat poems that my dad used to enjoy reading to me.

There’s something wonderful about getting wrapped up in a story and as a parent, watching little eyes engage with the pictures and later, with the story itself. With TV, computers and living in an age of digital media, I think it’s nice to encourage an appreciation of books with our little ones and there are some great books out there for all ages to make the task easier.

What are your favourite children’s books? Do they tend to be ones you remember from your own childhood or do you go on recommendations from other parent friends? Do you read to your children before bed? If you have older children, how have their reading habits developed?

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“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one”.

Leo J. Burke

We’re back after a great week away. The 10 hour flight (18 hour total journey time) to the middle of Colorado went well and we were again impressed by the travel resilience of our one-year old. The return flight, as is usual when flying from the US back to the UK, was overnight and crossed a 7 hour time zone difference. My husband and I had been pretty confident that this return leg of the journey would be a breeze because our son would sleep the whole way. How wrong we were! Probably due to the fact he’d only had a 25 minute nap that day, he was overtired and we had a complete melt-down, something we’ve never experienced before with our generally chilled-out little guy. Anyway, we all survived but were exhausted and sleep-starved by the time we were back home mid-morning. We all had a good two-hour nap after lunch and then that night we had the luxury of a 12-hour night’s sleep (just over 14 hours for our son)! That was the best night’s sleep I have had in a long time and did us all the world of good.

It made me think back to those first couple of months of motherhood when a regular night’s sleep isn’t even an option. No matter how tired you are, there’s just never that opportunity to have an extra-long sleep to catch up. Even napping when they nap, as everyone righty advises, doesn’t help that much and is more difficult than it sounds.

Chris Lopez, dad to four girls, writes a blog for busy dads to help them keep a healthy active lifestyle. He wrote a post towards the end of last year, listing his tips for managing your energy levels during the tough time of sleepless nights. Whilst his site is aimed at dads, his tips apply to anyone and I think he has some good advice for anyone struggling to keep going on little sleep. His six tips are as follows:

1. Stay on Schedule (even though every ounce of your being is telling you not to)
2. Drink lots of water
3. The 20-minute nap
4. Avoid sugary foods
5. Caffeine management
6. Get outside

I have to agree with all of these but especially drinking lots of water and getting outside. Keeping hydrated is really important when your body’s deprived of something (sleep in this case). Going out for some fresh air is something I feel like I’m always going on about but it simply makes you feel much better, both physically and mentally.

For any new mums or mums to children who still have sleep issues, these are helpful suggestions to hold you over until the stage when you can go back to enjoying a full uninterrupted night’s sleep. It feels like you’ll never get back to that stage but you will! I don’t think you ever appreciate sleep as much as when you are a parent, it’s a real luxury to me these days!

Do you have any other tips to add for surviving on very little sleep?

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Having a baby can be expensive. Some sources estimate the cost to be between £3,000 and £4,000 during the first year. In addition, having a baby often raises your awareness about ‘green issues’. Suddenly you realise you need to keep the planet safe and healthy for your precious children. But what about green goods – they seem so expensive don’t they? Solar panels, hybrid cars, organic food – it all costs so much. I have some tips to help you go green AND save money! Read on for how to raise a baby the green and frugal way…..

(1) Breastfeed
Only 1-3% of women truly can’t nurse. So breastfeed your baby for as long as possible; it’s healthy, free, plus there is no landfill waste!
Money wise, using formula feed means you need to buy formula, bottles, teats and some way to sterilise your equipment. Breastfeeding costs nothing, means you don’t have to carry anything around with you, provides all the nutrients your baby needs and doesn’t produce any waste!

(2) Nappies
The cost of using disposable nappies for 2 1/2 years is around £800 to £1000
According to Plush pants , using washable nappies rather than disposables can save you money, even taking into account the cost of using your washing machine and tumble drier. The savings will increase if you have another child and reuse the same nappies!
In addition, disposable nappies take hundreds of years to decompose. Put another way, if King Henry VIII had worn disposables, they would still be in a landfill now.
To avoid making a costly mistake, take advise from the Nappy Lady – you’ll find exactly the right nappies for you and your baby

(3) Weaning
Give your baby the best start in life by making your own food. You don’t need shop bought baby food which is expensive and creates waste, just blend a little of the food you are eating yourself. This means your baby can really take part in family meals and enjoy a wide range of foods, tastes and textures.
If you’re pushed for time, store puréed baby food in ice cube trays in the freezer and take out the amount you need – it’s still ‘convenient’ but healthier, greener and doesn’t create packaging waste.

(4) Buy secondhand
Forget ideas of grubby babygrows from a charity shop – there are some great bargains to be found!
Try a local NCT nearly new sale for everything from toys to clothes to baby equipment.
Try Freecycle, eBay or local sales for goods. Friends will be begging you to take things off their hands and you can feel smug that you’re saving money and not using up precious resources to make new items for your baby.

(5) Green clean
Recent studies show that some of these antibacterial wipes, sprays and lotions are doing us no good at all. In fact, babies and children NEED to be exposed to a bit of dirt and some germs in order to strengthen their immune system. In addition, the EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) say that some pollutants are 2 to 5 times higher inside homes than outside.
Ditch the toxic chemicals and do a little kitchen chemistry:

• Bicarbonate of soda is a brilliant all purpose cleaner – use it on sinks, taps and the bath to bring a shine and sparkle.
• Mix 50/50 white vinegar and water in a spray bottle to get rid of limescale and keep your glass and mirrors smear free.
• Add 5 drops each of pure lavender essential oil, tea tree essential oil and lemon essential oil to a full plant mister of water. This is a safe and effective antibacterial spray for using on highchairs, light switches, the toilet flush and even safe enough to spray onto your baby’s hands!

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When I was pregnant with my son, I had only two good friends with babies and neither lived in the same city as me. One doesn’t even live in the same country. My husband and I moved to a more family-friendly part of London a month before my son was born. I knew there were lots of other mums with babies nearby and everyone had told me it’s easy to make friends when you have a baby but I found it hard to think how I’d meet people that I really liked and anyway, did I really need new friends to talk baby stuff with?

After the first couple of weeks and once my husband had gone back to work, I found myself missing work and adult interaction. I would bombard my husband with questions and conversation in the evenings because I hadn’t really spoken to anyone all day! I realised I definitely needed to get out to some groups and activities for some adult conversation.

My first outing to an organised class with baby was when he was 8 weeks old. I went to a post-natal yoga class and at the end, the teacher brought out tea and biscuits so we could sit around and chat. I couldn’t put my finger on it but there was something really nice about being with some other women who had little babies just like me and had been through a similar sleep-starved first couple of months.

I joined a local mums group and went along to a coffee meet-up one morning. It was a simple gathering of 8-10 mums sat around a table in a cafe, getting to know one another. It sounds cliché but we shared stories of our births and struggles with feeding and sleeping. There were a few women I met there who seemed very down-to-earth and fun and we’ve gone on to become good friends. One has since moved away from the area but we still keep in touch and make visits to see one another. With mummy friends, it’s not just that you have a baby in common, I think it’s more the sharing of experiences as your little one grows and you both go through different stages. Your mummy friends know exactly what you mean and what you’ve gone through so you don’t need to give any explanations as you do with friends who don’t have babies.

As the babies grow, they play together and you get some decent conversation and company at the same time. Contrary to what one might think, it’s definitely not all baby talk but at the same time, it’s ok if it is.

The local mums group I belong to was set up a couple of years ago by an American woman who having moved to the area, realised there were no organised groups of any kind and so decided to set up her own. The group now has 300 members, mums with children from ages 0 to 5. There’s a website with details of activities going on in the surrounding area, school information and listings of our meet-ups and events. There’s a weekly e-newsletter that gets sent out to all the members, informing everyone of what’s going on that week. We organise a big summer picnic in the local park, Halloween and Christmas parties and do things like movie nights and pub nights. It’s a great community feel, belonging to a group like this.

Mothers hear about the group mostly by word-of-mouth. The doctor’s surgery seems to be a prime place for striking up conversations with other mothers who are sitting in the waiting room with their children. The playground in the park or the singing sessions at the local library are also often places where mothers get talking and someone who belongs to the group suggests to another mum that she might like to join.

If you’re a new mum looking to find some mummy friends in your area, check what’s on in your neighbourhood. Local libraries, council-run children’s centres and parks are all good places to start. You’ll probably find other mums smile at you as you walk down the street and even if you’re the shy type, striking up a conversation with another mum at the doctor’s surgery, in a coffee shop or wherever will probably prove to be easier than you thought. For some reassurance, here’s an article talking about how a woman’s social life improves after they’ve given birth!

Do you have a close network of mummy friends? How did you meet them and what do they mean to you?

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I read in the Sunday Times newspaper yesterday about Nick Clegg, (Leader of the UK Liberal Democrat Party) and his tirade on parenting guru Gina Ford. For those of you who haven’t read or heard about it, he criticised her rigid approach and compared her book to following an Ikea instruction manual. At one stage, out of exasperation, he decided his own parental instincts were the way forward:

“I will never forget — in the middle of the night, Antonio woke up. Miriam said to me: ‘What does the book say?’ I remember saying to her: ‘Okay, we have got to stop this. I have subcontracted my parental instincts to this book’.”

I think the article could refer to any parenting expert. I didn’t ever read Gina Ford but I did read a couple of other parenting books in the first few weeks of my son’s life. Like Nick Clegg, there was a particular day when I felt complete despair at those books and decided I didn’t need them anymore and that my husband and I were more than capable of making our own parenting decisions with our baby.

The truth is however, for a first child particularly, most educated adults look for a book or two to help them on the path to parenthood, as they would when tackling any new aspect of their lives. Nick Clegg referred to the Gina Ford book as an instruction manual but I think that’s sort of what people are looking for. Not literally of course but in the sense that they need some guidance as to how to handle a little human! It’s a natural response to put away the book once you feel you’ve grasped what’s needed or learn to trust your own instincts.

Parenting books are fairly recent to society, probably because many of us don’t live with or very close to our parents as used to be the case in previous generations. New mothers would do as their mothers did.

Some parents are fervent believers in particular parenting methods because they have worked for them and their children. Some people like to have a rigid schedule to follow and some people don’t. Parenting books can be helpful in providing an overview of what you can expect from a baby and there will likely be some tips that work for you and some that don’t . The ’shh pat’ technique for example never did work very well with our son but one of my mummy friends still uses it with her one-year old now if she wakes up in the night and needs settling.

I’m pleased Nick Clegg feels as a father that he knows best how to deal with his children. I am a firm believer that our own parental instincts are a great lead in parenting but they do take a bit of time to develop or for us to feel that we can trust them. Whether you agree or disagree with Gina Ford’s methods, I don’t think she deserves to be on the receiving end of such harsh criticism. As someone whose parenting book has sold over a million copies worldwide, she has obviously helped a lot of parents  and her methods have been successful for many.

What do you think about parenting books? How helpful did you find them? Was there a particular book or method that really helped you through some of the more challenging aspects of dealing with a new baby or frustrated toddler?

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I read a fascinating article in the Christmas issue of The Economist about filth and dirt! It explained the historical change in attitudes towards cleanliness. It was news to me that in the 17th-century bathing was judged as a health risk because medical thought at that time believed the exposure of the body to hot water would mean the skin would open up and thus take in ills or disease. Baths were therefore avoided – apparently Louis XIII wasn’t given a bath until he was almost seven and in England, Elizabeth I took a bath just once a month!

Fast-forward to the early 20th-century and American advertising campaigns promoted cleanliness for our bodies (in the form of soaps, deodorants, dental mouthwash etc) and also for our homes and clothing (cleaning products for bathrooms/kitchens and laundry detergents). Today we have a mass of products promising to rid our bodies and home environments of all types of grime,  germs and bacteria. The article concludes by questioning whether our current attitudes towards dirt have gone too far towards the hyper-clean, to the extent we create such sterile environments for our children, that their immune systems fail to fully develop. There’s a theory that insufficient exposure to bacteria might explain growing cases of eczema, asthma and other allergic conditions in richer countries.

The article concludes by mentioning a book, ‘Why Dirt is Good‘ by Mary Ruebush, an American immunologist. She recommends parents encourage their children to play in the dirt in order that they come into contact with the kind of germs required to establish a strong immune system.

I’m in agreement with Ruebush and playing in the dirt is not something I get worried about with my own son. Whilst I have many years to come of him playing in more serious dirt than he has done to date, I think it’s a good part of embracing exploration, adventure and play. As long as hands get washed thoroughly afterwards (and anything else that gets dirty in the process), I’m of the opinion it’s all good fun. However, there is a difference between playing in dirt in a garden or playground and playing amongst germs on a heavily populated floor of a London tube train for example.

The earlier item in the article about bathing is interesting to consider with babies and children too. Mothers of newborns in the UK are advised to top-and-tail initially and only bath the baby once a week, so as not to dry out their delicate skin. Bath products are not advised, instead a few drops of olive oil are recommended to help soften dry skin.

Most parenting books, when talking about establishing a good night-time routine with your child, mention a bath as being a good way to wind down and something to associate with getting ready for bed. I think that’s why most parents quickly progress to giving their baby a bath every night. Is a daily bath necessary though, especially pre-crawling/walking? I still don’t give my one-year old a bath every day. During the winter months when he is playing inside all the time, he doesn’t get very dirty and I naturally keep him clean and wash him on evenings when he doesn’t have a bath. There’s a big market for baby bath products, all with the promise of being gentle to their skin but of course water itself dries out skin. A mother I know who has two children aged 4 and 6 told me she no longer washes their hair (doesn’t use any shampoo) and finds that the natural oils keep it looking perfectly clean and healthy.

Hygiene is a personal matter of course and the same applies to your cleaning habits with your children. I would be interested to hear what you think about frequency of baths, products you approve of, when you started a daily bath routine with your own children. What are your thoughts on encouraging children to play in the dirt?

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My little baby boy turns one tomorrow! Everyone says ‘they grow so fast, the time time goes so quickly, bla bla bla…’ but isn’t it true? My son is such a joy and has given my life a whole new enriching perspective. It’s been a wonderful year, full of all kinds of new challenges and experiences.

I thought it might be helpful to new mums out there especially, to share a few things I’ve experienced, learned and thought about this past year.

5 things I wasn’t expecting from motherhood:

1. To feel so tired so often. Even once the sleepless nights are a distant memory, it’s still tiring work being a stay at home mum. An early night feels like a real treat to me these days!
2. To find enjoyment from such little things. Examples include: smiling at my son and seeing him smile back at me, the first time he ate any new kind of food or meal, watching his excitement when he’s grasped a new skill….
3. To have so much fun! Sometimes I feel guilty that while others are at work I’m running around the flat squealing and laughing with my son, or getting to enjoy being outside with him on a sunny day.
4. To feel fulfilled without a career. Before having my son, I had an interesting job working for an international auction house. I thought I would miss the deadlines, the research and the buzz of the art world. Instead, I am more than happy being a stay at home mum.
5. To rely so much on a new peer group of mummies. I’ve made some great new friends in my local area who all have similarly aged babies. I see them almost every day and they are like a lifeline to me. As well as sharing questions, advice and suggestions on our children, we also just have a lot of fun and enjoy each others company. I’d feel lost without them.

5 things I’ve learned from a year of motherhood:

1. Treasure every moment. They really do grow, change and learn so fast that you don’t want to wish away any time. Enjoy them at each stage of their development.
2. Follow your instincts. I’m a firm believer that doing what feels right often is right.  I think you get more attuned to your child’s needs so it becomes easier to know what they want and how to deal with certain situations.
3. The difficult times don’t last! Those trying first few weeks, surviving on barely any sleep and feeling like you can’t cope soon fade in your memory. There will be other obstacles of course but it’s those tough times that help us to really appreciate the good times.
4. Getting out lots is good for baby and you. I remember going to a postnatal yoga class when my son was 8 weeks old. It was raining and I had to take the pram on the bus for the first time to get there. I made myself do it and was so glad I did. Being around other new mums did me the world of good. I think my son has also benefited from being taken to a variety of activities. He enjoys being around other babies and it’s got him used to being in different environments.
5. Routines work! As much as you might not like the idea of having a routine with your child, it makes life easier for baby and you. They benefit from knowing what’s coming next throughout the day and you know when best to schedule activities/outings.

What do you remember learning or experiencing from your first year of motherhood?

Photo by Juan ValldeRuten

Once a child starts crawling, they find a wealth of exploration and adventure around the home. Once they start pulling themselves up, cruising furniture and getting ready to take their first steps, they find a whole lot more is within their reach.

My son’s favourite activity at present is standing at our coffee table and pulling everything off onto the floor, one item at a time. I was chatting to a couple of other mums the other day and one of them said that they got rid of their coffee table and the other mum said she was considering doing the same thing.

We really have not done any baby-proofing in our flat as yet. The crawling stage was manageable and when our son inevitably went towards things like wires and leads, we told him ‘no’ and so far he seems to have learned to steer clear of those things. Maybe we’ve been lucky and I don’t want to tempt fate by writing down and publicly declaring the things he hasn’t even touched or bothered with but so far it really hasn’t been a big deal.

My own mother and my sister-in-law (both mothers to three children) told me that they didn’t do any baby-proofing, as they felt it was good for the children to learn what’s ok to touch and what’s not. My sister-in-law made a good point that if you transform your own home into a totally baby-friendly abode, then when you’re at someone else’s house, your child won’t know that it’s not ok to grab their books and rip the pages out or whatever.

So far, our son’s prefered activities have come in phases, as his curiosity and development has progressed. I figure the table de-robing is just another phase. I can deal with picking the stuff up off the floor and putting it back on the table several times a day (they’re obviously all unbreakable, insignificant things and we’ve added a few baby-friendly things too). I really don’t think we would ever consider getting rid of the coffee table!

Of course, I have a lot of respect for those parents who take measures to create as safe and clear a home environment for their children as possible. It’s all done with the utmost care and desire to protect a child from unnecessary risks. I’m sure there will be elements of baby-proofing that we will incorporate into our home as our son becomes even more mobile, such as kitchen cupboard latches to avoid access to any potentially dangerous implements or substances.

However, I think the touching, picking up, moving and general exploration of new things is an important part of a child’s development and a way for them to exercise some independence. It’s crucial that as parents, we ensure there are no dangerous items within reach but I feel a total re-arrangement of your home should not be needed and could be counter-productive.

What are your experiences? Did you do much baby-proofing of your home? Please share any helpful suggestions in the comments.

I haven’t written about a baby-specific topic for a while but something came up yesterday which I’ve decided to share.

My husband and I went out early evening and had good friends of ours over to look after our son while we were gone. They have looked after him a couple of times before so he knows who they are. It turned out to be a challenging evening of babysitting, as he refused to eat any of his dinner and wouldn’t touch his bedtime bottle of milk. Every time they tried to give him either his dinner or later his milk, he would become distressed, cry lots, squirming and pushing away whatever they were offering him.

He was fast asleep in bed when we came home and we weren’t out long. Our friends (who don’t yet have children) were asking us what we thought it was; separation anxiety? was he ill?? It’s always a bit of a guess with a baby and certainly for us, teething has often been used as an explanation for particular symptoms or behaviour in our son (it’s a running joke now between my husband and I, especially as our son still has no teeth to show!). I went with the guess of separation anxiety. He is at the age where it can strike and demonstrated typical separation anxiety behaviour for the first couple of days we were away with my family in Cornwall the other week.

My husband on the other hand didn’t think it was separation anxiety because our son did not cry when we left the room, was not acting clingy before we left, nor displaying any of the other common signs. He thought the difficulties occured because our son is so used to the two of us doing everything for him that if someone else does these everyday tasks with him, it makes him unsettled. Maybe they hold his bottle at a funny angle, maybe the way they speak to him at the dinner table is very different. My husband’s point was that we don’t really ever have anyone else do these things with our son. This is mostly because we don’t have family nearby (both sets of parents live out of the country). Neither do we have close friends right around the corner who are likely to stop by regularly and help out with the baby.

The more I thought about it, the more I started thinking maybe my husband was right. It was naturally a bit upsetting that our baby had refused food and milk while we were gone but it also gave me a bit of a reality check. Should we have encouraged family to feed our son whilst we were all recently on holiday? Should we sometimes coincide visits with mealtimes so friends can feed him whilst we’re around to reassure him? It must be one of the benefits of having family down the road who are always coming over and helping out but as we don’t have family close by, it’s harder to incorporate these simple things into our son’s life.

Lots of people live far away from family and are in similar circumstances to us so maybe some of you more experienced Mums have some suggestions to share…..