Mummy Zen

I read in the Sunday Times newspaper yesterday about Nick Clegg, (Leader of the UK Liberal Democrat Party) and his tirade on parenting guru Gina Ford. For those of you who haven’t read or heard about it, he criticised her rigid approach and compared her book to following an Ikea instruction manual. At one stage, out of exasperation, he decided his own parental instincts were the way forward:

“I will never forget — in the middle of the night, Antonio woke up. Miriam said to me: ‘What does the book say?’ I remember saying to her: ‘Okay, we have got to stop this. I have subcontracted my parental instincts to this book’.”

I think the article could refer to any parenting expert. I didn’t ever read Gina Ford but I did read a couple of other parenting books in the first few weeks of my son’s life. Like Nick Clegg, there was a particular day when I felt complete despair at those books and decided I didn’t need them anymore and that my husband and I were more than capable of making our own parenting decisions with our baby.

The truth is however, for a first child particularly, most educated adults look for a book or two to help them on the path to parenthood, as they would when tackling any new aspect of their lives. Nick Clegg referred to the Gina Ford book as an instruction manual but I think that’s sort of what people are looking for. Not literally of course but in the sense that they need some guidance as to how to handle a little human! It’s a natural response to put away the book once you feel you’ve grasped what’s needed or learn to trust your own instincts.

Parenting books are fairly recent to society, probably because many of us don’t live with or very close to our parents as used to be the case in previous generations. New mothers would do as their mothers did.

Some parents are fervent believers in particular parenting methods because they have worked for them and their children. Some people like to have a rigid schedule to follow and some people don’t. Parenting books can be helpful in providing an overview of what you can expect from a baby and there will likely be some tips that work for you and some that don’t . The ‘shh pat’ technique for example never did work very well with our son but one of my mummy friends still uses it with her one-year old now if she wakes up in the night and needs settling.

I’m pleased Nick Clegg feels as a father that he knows best how to deal with his children. I am a firm believer that our own parental instincts are a great lead in parenting but they do take a bit of time to develop or for us to feel that we can trust them. Whether you agree or disagree with Gina Ford’s methods, I don’t think she deserves to be on the receiving end of such harsh criticism. As someone whose parenting book has sold over a million copies worldwide, she has obviously helped a lot of parents  and her methods have been successful for many.

What do you think about parenting books? How helpful did you find them? Was there a particular book or method that really helped you through some of the more challenging aspects of dealing with a new baby or frustrated toddler?

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I read a fascinating article in the Christmas issue of The Economist about filth and dirt! It explained the historical change in attitudes towards cleanliness. It was news to me that in the 17th-century bathing was judged as a health risk because medical thought at that time believed the exposure of the body to hot water would mean the skin would open up and thus take in ills or disease. Baths were therefore avoided – apparently Louis XIII wasn’t given a bath until he was almost seven and in England, Elizabeth I took a bath just once a month!

Fast-forward to the early 20th-century and American advertising campaigns promoted cleanliness for our bodies (in the form of soaps, deodorants, dental mouthwash etc) and also for our homes and clothing (cleaning products for bathrooms/kitchens and laundry detergents). Today we have a mass of products promising to rid our bodies and home environments of all types of grime,  germs and bacteria. The article concludes by questioning whether our current attitudes towards dirt have gone too far towards the hyper-clean, to the extent we create such sterile environments for our children, that their immune systems fail to fully develop. There’s a theory that insufficient exposure to bacteria might explain growing cases of eczema, asthma and other allergic conditions in richer countries.

The article concludes by mentioning a book, ‘Why Dirt is Good‘ by Mary Ruebush, an American immunologist. She recommends parents encourage their children to play in the dirt in order that they come into contact with the kind of germs required to establish a strong immune system.

I’m in agreement with Ruebush and playing in the dirt is not something I get worried about with my own son. Whilst I have many years to come of him playing in more serious dirt than he has done to date, I think it’s a good part of embracing exploration, adventure and play. As long as hands get washed thoroughly afterwards (and anything else that gets dirty in the process), I’m of the opinion it’s all good fun. However, there is a difference between playing in dirt in a garden or playground and playing amongst germs on a heavily populated floor of a London tube train for example.

The earlier item in the article about bathing is interesting to consider with babies and children too. Mothers of newborns in the UK are advised to top-and-tail initially and only bath the baby once a week, so as not to dry out their delicate skin. Bath products are not advised, instead a few drops of olive oil are recommended to help soften dry skin.

Most parenting books, when talking about establishing a good night-time routine with your child, mention a bath as being a good way to wind down and something to associate with getting ready for bed. I think that’s why most parents quickly progress to giving their baby a bath every night. Is a daily bath necessary though, especially pre-crawling/walking? I still don’t give my one-year old a bath every day. During the winter months when he is playing inside all the time, he doesn’t get very dirty and I naturally keep him clean and wash him on evenings when he doesn’t have a bath. There’s a big market for baby bath products, all with the promise of being gentle to their skin but of course water itself dries out skin. A mother I know who has two children aged 4 and 6 told me she no longer washes their hair (doesn’t use any shampoo) and finds that the natural oils keep it looking perfectly clean and healthy.

Hygiene is a personal matter of course and the same applies to your cleaning habits with your children. I would be interested to hear what you think about frequency of baths, products you approve of, when you started a daily bath routine with your own children. What are your thoughts on encouraging children to play in the dirt?

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Photo credit

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My little baby boy turns one tomorrow! Everyone says ‘they grow so fast, the time time goes so quickly, bla bla bla…’ but isn’t it true? My son is such a joy and has given my life a whole new enriching perspective. It’s been a wonderful year, full of all kinds of new challenges and experiences.

I thought it might be helpful to new mums out there especially, to share a few things I’ve experienced, learned and thought about this past year.

5 things I wasn’t expecting from motherhood:

1. To feel so tired so often. Even once the sleepless nights are a distant memory, it’s still tiring work being a stay at home mum. An early night feels like a real treat to me these days!
2. To find enjoyment from such little things. Examples include: smiling at my son and seeing him smile back at me, the first time he ate any new kind of food or meal, watching his excitement when he’s grasped a new skill….
3. To have so much fun! Sometimes I feel guilty that while others are at work I’m running around the flat squealing and laughing with my son, or getting to enjoy being outside with him on a sunny day.
4. To feel fulfilled without a career. Before having my son, I had an interesting job working for an international auction house. I thought I would miss the deadlines, the research and the buzz of the art world. Instead, I am more than happy being a stay at home mum.
5. To rely so much on a new peer group of mummies. I’ve made some great new friends in my local area who all have similarly aged babies. I see them almost every day and they are like a lifeline to me. As well as sharing questions, advice and suggestions on our children, we also just have a lot of fun and enjoy each others company. I’d feel lost without them.

5 things I’ve learned from a year of motherhood:

1. Treasure every moment. They really do grow, change and learn so fast that you don’t want to wish away any time. Enjoy them at each stage of their development.
2. Follow your instincts. I’m a firm believer that doing what feels right often is right.  I think you get more attuned to your child’s needs so it becomes easier to know what they want and how to deal with certain situations.
3. The difficult times don’t last! Those trying first few weeks, surviving on barely any sleep and feeling like you can’t cope soon fade in your memory. There will be other obstacles of course but it’s those tough times that help us to really appreciate the good times.
4. Getting out lots is good for baby and you. I remember going to a postnatal yoga class when my son was 8 weeks old. It was raining and I had to take the pram on the bus for the first time to get there. I made myself do it and was so glad I did. Being around other new mums did me the world of good. I think my son has also benefited from being taken to a variety of activities. He enjoys being around other babies and it’s got him used to being in different environments.
5. Routines work! As much as you might not like the idea of having a routine with your child, it makes life easier for baby and you. They benefit from knowing what’s coming next throughout the day and you know when best to schedule activities/outings.

What do you remember learning or experiencing from your first year of motherhood?

Photo by Juan ValldeRuten

Once a child starts crawling, they find a wealth of exploration and adventure around the home. Once they start pulling themselves up, cruising furniture and getting ready to take their first steps, they find a whole lot more is within their reach.

My son’s favourite activity at present is standing at our coffee table and pulling everything off onto the floor, one item at a time. I was chatting to a couple of other mums the other day and one of them said that they got rid of their coffee table and the other mum said she was considering doing the same thing.

We really have not done any baby-proofing in our flat as yet. The crawling stage was manageable and when our son inevitably went towards things like wires and leads, we told him ‘no’ and so far he seems to have learned to steer clear of those things. Maybe we’ve been lucky and I don’t want to tempt fate by writing down and publicly declaring the things he hasn’t even touched or bothered with but so far it really hasn’t been a big deal.

My own mother and my sister-in-law (both mothers to three children) told me that they didn’t do any baby-proofing, as they felt it was good for the children to learn what’s ok to touch and what’s not. My sister-in-law made a good point that if you transform your own home into a totally baby-friendly abode, then when you’re at someone else’s house, your child won’t know that it’s not ok to grab their books and rip the pages out or whatever.

So far, our son’s prefered activities have come in phases, as his curiosity and development has progressed. I figure the table de-robing is just another phase. I can deal with picking the stuff up off the floor and putting it back on the table several times a day (they’re obviously all unbreakable, insignificant things and we’ve added a few baby-friendly things too). I really don’t think we would ever consider getting rid of the coffee table!

Of course, I have a lot of respect for those parents who take measures to create as safe and clear a home environment for their children as possible. It’s all done with the utmost care and desire to protect a child from unnecessary risks. I’m sure there will be elements of baby-proofing that we will incorporate into our home as our son becomes even more mobile, such as kitchen cupboard latches to avoid access to any potentially dangerous implements or substances.

However, I think the touching, picking up, moving and general exploration of new things is an important part of a child’s development and a way for them to exercise some independence. It’s crucial that as parents, we ensure there are no dangerous items within reach but I feel a total re-arrangement of your home should not be needed and could be counter-productive.

What are your experiences? Did you do much baby-proofing of your home? Please share any helpful suggestions in the comments.

I haven’t written about a baby-specific topic for a while but something came up yesterday which I’ve decided to share.

My husband and I went out early evening and had good friends of ours over to look after our son while we were gone. They have looked after him a couple of times before so he knows who they are. It turned out to be a challenging evening of babysitting, as he refused to eat any of his dinner and wouldn’t touch his bedtime bottle of milk. Every time they tried to give him either his dinner or later his milk, he would become distressed, cry lots, squirming and pushing away whatever they were offering him.

He was fast asleep in bed when we came home and we weren’t out long. Our friends (who don’t yet have children) were asking us what we thought it was; separation anxiety? was he ill?? It’s always a bit of a guess with a baby and certainly for us, teething has often been used as an explanation for particular symptoms or behaviour in our son (it’s a running joke now between my husband and I, especially as our son still has no teeth to show!). I went with the guess of separation anxiety. He is at the age where it can strike and demonstrated typical separation anxiety behaviour for the first couple of days we were away with my family in Cornwall the other week.

My husband on the other hand didn’t think it was separation anxiety because our son did not cry when we left the room, was not acting clingy before we left, nor displaying any of the other common signs. He thought the difficulties occured because our son is so used to the two of us doing everything for him that if someone else does these everyday tasks with him, it makes him unsettled. Maybe they hold his bottle at a funny angle, maybe the way they speak to him at the dinner table is very different. My husband’s point was that we don’t really ever have anyone else do these things with our son. This is mostly because we don’t have family nearby (both sets of parents live out of the country). Neither do we have close friends right around the corner who are likely to stop by regularly and help out with the baby.

The more I thought about it, the more I started thinking maybe my husband was right. It was naturally a bit upsetting that our baby had refused food and milk while we were gone but it also gave me a bit of a reality check. Should we have encouraged family to feed our son whilst we were all recently on holiday? Should we sometimes coincide visits with mealtimes so friends can feed him whilst we’re around to reassure him? It must be one of the benefits of having family down the road who are always coming over and helping out but as we don’t have family close by, it’s harder to incorporate these simple things into our son’s life.

Lots of people live far away from family and are in similar circumstances to us so maybe some of you more experienced Mums have some suggestions to share…..

Guest post by Jacqui Porjes, BuggyFit & Yoga Instructor, Personal Trainer

Recently had a baby? Feeling overwhelmed? Wondering what on earth has happened to your body? Wondering if you will ever fit back into your skinny jeans? We have all been there. Don’t despair – it is possible to feel fabulous again.

My name is Jacqui. I have a five-year old son and live in London. I have always had a background in fitness but it was shortly after giving birth to my son  that I decided to set up BuggyFit in Central London.

The first problem with postnatal fitness is the lack of gyms with crèches that are (a) affordable and (b) conveniently located. Even if you find one that is and you are lucky enough to be able to fork out the monthly fee plus crèche charges, you may not even be able to get your baby into the crèche, as they can be so oversubscribed!

I say, ditch the gym. Get yourself a jogging puschairif running is your thing, otherwise your normal buggy is fine.

Find yourself a nice circuit, plug in your music, don’t forget the raincover and go for it! One thing London has in abundance is great parks.

Pick a time every day. Morning is probably best, first thing with nothing to distract you like inpromtu meetings in Starbucks! It doesn’t even have to be an hour, 30-40 minutes is fine and follow a routine like this one:

• Start off with 15 mins of fast walking or gentle jogging (enough to raise the heart beat)
• Find a bench to use and do 10 press-ups, followed by 10 tricep dips
• Find a nice twig-free bit of ground and treat yourself to 3 minutes of gentle crunches!
• Another 10 mins of walking or jogging
• Warm down with some basic stretches

Have this time for your self every day or every other day. I promise you if you listen to your body the after-effect will be a lovely warm glow.  Exercising the body helps every other thing in your life feel more manageable.  There are a thousand excuses not to do it…so stick it in your diary.  Join Buggyfit or meet up with friends…

A few things to consider:

Boobs:  Don’t even think about wearing the bra you were wearing before you were pregnant. Get fitted for a new bra and get a high impact bra for running. Anything less is no good…when I was breastfeeding I wore 2 bras!

Feet: It is very common for foot size to increase after pregnancy – check your trainers, you need really good support so if they are looking like they have lost support treat yourself to a new pair at a shop with trained assistants who can help you choose the correct pair and will check your gait.

Knees and back:  Many women suffer from back and joint problems after pregnancy. Don’t lift anything heavy, keep the spine in netural alignment and bend ze knees!

It’s rare you find a very depressed person who exercises regularly – I’m sure they exist but I have never come across them!  Exercise will help to keep postnatal depression at bay.  Sitting at home watching day time TV eating digestive biscuits won’t.

If all else fails and you need some extra motivation give me a call for some personal training.

Just do it!

Jacqui | 07947 568890 | Jacqui@porjes.com |www.buggyfit.co.uk