Mummy Zen

There’s a fascinating article in the current issue of the New York magazine, called ‘All Joy and No Fun. Why parents hate parenting‘. It’s a longish article but I’d really recommend you read it. It’s certainly thought-provoking and raises some interesting points. I’m going to highlight just a few of them.

The article begins by stating that although it’s a common assumption that having children will make you happier, several studies have proved that parents are not happier than those adults without children.

“The broad message is not that children make you less happy; it’s just that children don’t make you more happy.” That is, he tells me, unless you have more than one. “Then the studies show a more negative impact.”

The way children are thought of these days has changed as the western world has moved into more modern, prosperous times. Whereas in earlier generations, children would be considered ‘economic assets’ to their parents, helping with whatever work their parents had to do each day (farming, assisting in the family shop…), nowadays we view them as little beings to be ‘sculpted, stimulated, instructed, groomed.’ We raise them in a much more protected environment.

The subject of organised activities for children is mentioned and the fact that we tend to be very pro-active in encouraging a constant stream of stimulation for our children. There are other cultures who sit and play with their children, with much more relaxed attitudes to child-rearing and no comparing or competing with other parents.

Middle-class parents spend much more time talking to children, answering questions with questions, and treating each child’s thought as a special contribution. And this is very tiring work.” Yet it’s work few parents feel that they can in good conscience neglect, says Lareau, “lest they put their children at risk by not giving them every advantage.”

Later, the article discusses the more modern tendency for delaying having children, as parents work hard, advance their careers and save money. Often they then have high expectations of what having children will mean to them, which are invariably unrealistic and disappointing.

Another study is mentioned, one which revealed that those countries with a stronger welfare system had more children and happier parents. Longer maternity leave, state-funded childcare and healthcare possibly give parents less to worry about and less to be unhappy about. Just this week an American mum and I were discussing differences between the attitudes towards stay at home mums here in the UK and in the US. My American friend felt lucky that her family supported her and her husband’s decision for her to stay at home. She suggested it was quite rare back home where many women return to work after 6 weeks or so, leaving their children in daycare. Often, she told me it’s because of a sense of obligation, not necessarily because that’s what they want to do or because it makes them happy. I don’t want to make any sweeping generalisations of the US but it was interesting to hear this friend’s impressions.

There are further discussions of parenthood and happiness raised in the article but I’ll let you take your time and read the article yourself. Personally, I feel pretty happy as a mum most of the time. I think the title of this article, ‘All joy and no fun’ perhaps describes to an extent how your life changes as a parent. I think all of us would agree our children bring us immense joy but with parenthood comes responsibility and compromise and it’s therefore natural that some of the ‘fun’ things we used to do before we had children disappear. I like how my husband described parenthood as giving your life a sense of purpose.

It’s hard work being a parent and that hard work is something you can never have a grasp of before becoming a parent. We all have tough days, challenging behaviour and difficult situations to deal with and it’s always the bad stories shared. After all, who’s that interested in hearing about how wonderfully well-behaved another person’s child is?! For me, the smiles, laughter and tender moments experienced with your child far outweigh the harder side to parenting….but then again, I only have one child to deal with!

Do have a read of the article and then come back and let me know your thoughts in the comments. Are there any particular parts of the article that you relate well to? It’s a big question, but how do you rate your happiness as a parent, compared to before you had children?

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Today’s post is a sharing of a three links I think you’ll be interested in. Sometimes you come across things that need to be shared

There’s a wonderful free e-book full of tasty recipes that can be prepared in 10 minutes with just 5 ingredients over at Stone Soup. Ideal for busy parents and people looking for inspiration in the kitchen, the e-book is beautifully presented and has some great ideas.

At Girl Geek Chic, there are 10 tips to being more green with your gagdets. Many of us spend a lot of time on our phones and computers so there’s some helpful advice  to benefit from.  I had no idea that updating your Facebook once on your PC uses the same amount of energy as updating it a hundred times on your phone.

A reader of Mummy Zen has registered a proposal on the government’s Your Freedom website suggesting state funding is stopped for schools who select pupils on the basis of faith. Have a read of her argument here. Some of you will no doubt have run into this issue so it will be of interest. Do register to rate and comment on the proposal if it’s a view you share.

I hope you enjoy these links. Is there anything you’ve come across recently that you’d like to share?

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Another mum and I were talking about various classes and activities in our local area the other day. She had just signed up her 18-month old son for Little Kickers and was telling me about what they did in the first class. Several of my mummy friends take their toddlers to similar classes and some mums I know fill up the week with all kinds of scheduled activities each day. Swimming classes, music classes, physical play classes like Gymboree and Tumble Tots, there are loads on offer. My friend and I were discussing what was the best balance in attending classes and having time for less structured play and exploration.

I haven’t taken my son to any of these types of classes. I take him to our local library for singing each week. On a Tuesday we go to a brilliant local free playgroup where they have all kinds of toys and activities like water play, painting and varied forms of creative play. Every day we go to the park  and meet up with a group of other mums and toddlers so he plays outside and mixes with other similarly aged children . A lot of the aforementioned activities require you to sign up and pay for a whole term in advance. I prefer a more flexible approach so if my son’s ill or if we’re away, I’m not wasting money on something we can’t attend.

Having said that, I recognise that the range of classes available provide a great deal to children and parents. They can encourage physical development, confidence, creativity and social skills. Most programmes offer a free trial class initially so you can try it out and see if it’s for you and your child before commiting to a term. Even if you don’t plan on signing up to them or find them too expensive, it can be fun to do a round up of all the free trials in your area and try them out anyway! One of my friends told me she asks relatives for money towards classes for her two children, rather than more toys and clothes for birthdays and Christmas. I think that’s a really good idea.

As children grow older and start school, they invariably take an interest in a few activities and might attend classes a couple of times a week after school. At that stage they are able to voice opinions on what they enjoy and want to pursue. Before that age, I think it’s good to encourage a well-rounded, diverse series of activities. It’s really down to personal preference and the services and facilities available in your local area as to whether you choose to provide activities via structured classes or not. It also depends on the type of parent or carer. If you or the person looking after your child enjoy creative play and have the time to spend trying out new things, going to groups or play areas, then that works well. For others, it works better to take the child somewhere where the creative environment and activities are readily provided for them.

Down time is equally important. Letting your child be, to play and explore surroundings as he or she likes, without any pressure to do something or perform is time well spent. It helps encourage their independence and their ability to play by themselves, to enjoy imaginative play and to develop their own sense of curiosity in the world around them.

How do your children spend their time? Do you take them to some of the kinds of classes mentioned at the beginning of this post or do your children have a less-structured social calendar?

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We just got back from a long weekend away which is why I haven’t yet posted anything this week. I’ve called this post ‘in-flight entertainment’ but really it’s for any journey, by plane, car, train…. Rather than general travel tips which I have covered previously, this is a list of activities or entertainment for keeping your little ones amused when you travel. I’ve asked other mums what worked best for them on their travels and combined their answers with things that have worked for our son too.

Being prepared for travel is the best way to ensure the journey goes as smoothly as possible. I keep a little child-size rucksack full of small toys, books etc for travel so it’s all ready to go. That also means the toys are either new or rarely seen giving them an extra novelty value. My mother-in-law told me she used to pack a couple of favourite toys a week or so before they went on a trip so her children didn’t get to play with them the week before they left. That way, they’d be really pleased to see them when she pulled them out of a bag on the plane or in the car.

Here are 10 ways to keep your toddler entertained on a journey:

Portable dvd player. Not for everyone but if you are happy to ration their viewing or don’t care about rationing it, I hear this is the most long-lasting way to keep them happy on a journey. I read recently that dvds were taking over more tradtional travel games like ‘I spy’.

iPhone apps & games. Again not every parent wants their child playing with a phone or may want to limit the time spent on it but there are certainly some good apps out there for toddlers, such as the toddler flashcards.

Etch A Sketch. On the suggestion of a friend I picked up one of these from a pound shop. Yes, it’s a bit flimsy but it’s perfect for travel and doesn’t matter if it breaks. The same friend advised I attached the accompanying pen with a piece of string to avoid it being dropped or thrown. That was a great tip!

Stickers. One of my friends told me her daughter loves to stick them on her head! Otherwise there are sticker books you can pick up inexpensively, or you can stick them on all kinds of surfaces.

Colouring. Probably best if you are seated next to them to engage them in some colouring and catch any falling crayons but you can find small sized packs of crayons and colouring books that are ideal for travel.

Books. Lift-the-flap books are good to engage your toddler in the book. Travel or holiday themed books can be fun.

CDs. Best for the car, a nursery rhyme CD can be an alternative to you doing all the singing or something you can all sing along to! A friend of mine uses In the Night Garden story CDs which are a big hit with her daughter. For older toddlers, stories are good, especially those with funny noises or voices. Sometimes, just regular music on the radio can appease my son.

Small push-along toys. Especially good if you are on the plane or train where your child can use a table as a surface to push them along on. My son was very happily engrossed on our most recent trip, playing with little trucks, pushing them back and forth on the fold-down tray table on the plane.

Play dough. With supervision, play dough can wile away some time, rolling it into shapes and pulling apart again. You can get it in small tubs which facilitate transportation.

Other children. Seeing other children on a plane or train can be a great distraction. Sometimes they just like to watch one another or maybe they even share toys.

As parents, it’s also nice to engage our children in the travel experience itself. Show and tell them what’s around them or what they can see out of the window, explain what’s going to happen on the journey and give out positive happy vibes about your family adventure! If you’re on a plane or train, take them for a walk to show them other people, doors, windows, eating areas and point out passing trains, people, clouds and whatever else.

I’d love to have other suggestions from you. Let me know in the comments what keeps your toddlers happy when you travel.

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This is a guest post by Allison Evans, Hypnotherapist specialising in HypnoBirthing and HypnoBirthing Fertility Therapy.

If you’re reading a blog called “Mummy Zen,” you’re probably aware of the concept of mindfulness:  that is, bringing your full awareness to the present moment.  There is something about raising a child that seems to invite mindfulness.  You can’t help but notice how in-the-moment children are, how they delight in the smallest details, and you delight in their joy, too.  There’s also an undeniable pull out of the present moment, as we must think and plan for the future – “What do I need to pack for our outing?”  And as we reflect on past missteps – “How could I have forgotten the sun cream?”  This is just part of being human, especially when you are responsible to others!  But if you ever find yourself feeling disconnected, vaguely dissatisfied, quick to anger and wondering where your sense of humor has gone, mindfulness may be what you need.

A few years ago, when my children were four and two, that’s exactly where I was.  Fortunately for me, a friend introduced me to a wise Naturopathic Doctor.  Her simple suggestions turned my life around, and I have shared them – and some discoveries of my own – to many others to positive effect.   Here they are:

1.  Breathe. Deeply.  Every day.  Breath is foundational to the HypnoBirthing method that I teach.  Deep breathing actually short-circuits the body’s stress response, and helps to keep a mother in labour – or anyone – calm and in control, no matter the circumstances.  I now recommend that mothers continue their breathing exercises after their babies are born:  5-10 minutes of slow, deep breathing through the nose, two times per day, and in moments of stress.  Focus on the breath, allow it to be all you do for those 5-10 minutes, allow it to nourish you and be grateful for the simple miracle of breath!

2.  Mono-task. Yes, I mean stop all the multi-tasking!  Start by picking one routine task where your mind has a tendency to wander or that you might do while also talking on the phone.  For example, as you do the washing up, focus on each of your senses:  feel the warmth of the water, notice the flex of your arm muscles as you handle the dish, smell the fragrance of the dish soap, listen to the sound of the running water.  Avoid the tendency to mentally prepare yourself for your next task.  Focus on this one, menial chore and smile.  Smiling reinforces good feelings, similar to deep breathing.

3.  Allow yourself to be interrupted by your child at least once per day. How often has your child heard, “Just a minute, honey”?  As convenient as that phrase is, it does send a message to your child that the laundry is more important than she is.  Is it?  That’s mindfulness, too:  not just reacting, but taking the time to respond consciously.  If what you are doing is, in fact, time-critical, pause to hear her out.  Make eye-contact with her as you listen to what she needs, then give her a realistic time frame for when you can attend to her.  Similar to responding to your baby’s cries, this attention, even when it’s inconvenient, encourages her trust in you and the world.

4. Make a date with your child. Take a moment to think back over the last month.  What makes you smile to remember it?  Was it how clean your bathroom was?  A television programme?  More likely it was something your child did or said!  Schedule time each day to be present for such moments.

5.  Make a date with yourself. Make yourself a priority, just as you have made your child.  Get up earlier than your child so you can enjoy an hour or so of the prime morning time all to yourself.  If your child is a very early riser and that isn’t practical, use the child’s nap time to do something that restores you, such as meditating, reading a book, or corresponding with a friend.  Resist the urge to “get something done.”   It can wait.

These mindfulness exercises will ground you in your life and bring you a real sense of peace.  Enjoy!

I invite you to practice these mindfulness techniques and please share your own with us.  Let us know what happens!

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Yesterday it was raining. We’d planned to go out and do something but the weather put an end to that idea and instead we felt stuck inside needing some inspiration to liven things up a bit. Back in the early days of this blog, I wrote a post about things to do with a young baby when it rains but now our son is an energetic toddler, some of those suggestions aren’t so effective. We did have a bit of a sing-along session and we did go out for a walk anyway but in the middle of all that, we were desperately thinking of something different to do with him at home. In the end we built a living room ‘tent’ by draping blankets over chairs!

Later that day, I stumbled across a blog post of 10 simple play ideas for toddlers. Too bad I hadn’t read it earlier in the day as there are some good things to try:

1. Tissue Box (for posting things into and then shaking them out)
2. Utensil drawer
3. Old phone and keyboard
4. Pegs
5. Saucepans and lids
6. Cup stacking
7. Lining up (eg. putting socks on a window ledge and then knocking them all down!)
8. Pillow obstacle course
9. Dustpan and brush
10. Cubby (like the ‘tent’ we made in our living room)

The mother of five children who wrote this post, points out that most toddlers love to play with household items so these can be perfect play solutions for your little ones. I put a similar list (from Simple Mom) in a post a while back but as all the things on this list are totally different, I decided to include another similar post as we can never have too many of these kinds of ideas in my opinion!

My son loves to watch me use the dustpan and brush (especially when I pretend to sweep him up!). He also likes to help me unpack the dishwasher and passes me the cutlery one piece at a time. Utensils and plastic containers are still a big hit with him, as I’ve mentioned on here before. No surprise then that sometimes the best ideas for fun play are letting children loose with some of the everyday items they see you use so often.

Are there some household items or games you play with your children at home along similar lines to those suggested above?

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When our son was only about four months old, we had some friends who came to stay with their 2-year old son. For dinner, they got him some spaghetti in a tomato sauce. They sat him at the table with it but he seemed uninterested and despite some encouragement from his parents, wasn’t eating it.  The adults all got to talking and a few minutes later, our friend’s son was happily tucking into his plate of spaghetti. Once the attention had been taken away from him, he just got on with it.

I experienced a similar scenario with my own son, now aged 1 1/2 last week. He likes to feed himself but still has some trouble scooping food onto his spoon or fork so I help him with it. I had made him something for lunch that included some broccoli. It’s not his favourite vegetable but he does eat it and he liked everything else in the meal with it. I helped him get some onto the spoon and guided the spoon towards his mouth but he took one taste and spat out the broccoli! After a couple more tries, he was then refusing to put anything in his mouth so I just ignored him and ate some of my own lunch. In no time at all, he had the spoon in his hand and managed to scoop some food onto his spoon and into his mouth (including some broccoli). He was very impressed with himself and I clapped and congratulated him too. He proceeded to eat up all his lunch, including ever scrap of the broccoli!

I think these two examples highlight a couple of points. One is that around the age of 1 1/2-2 a child’s independence is developing and becoming more important to them. They like to do things their way and having someone standing over their shoulder or making them the centre of attention is maybe a bit threatening to their feeling of independence.

Secondly, without meaning to, sometimes parents can unintentionally put some pressure on their children at mealtimes. We all want our children to eat well, healthily and to eat a sensible amount for each meal. By focusing on their eating too much, we can forget that mealtimes should actually be a relaxed enjoyable family time.

Have you experienced similar situations with your children? Do you find they eat better when they are left to get on with it themselves?

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I was recently reading an article about the drink Ribena and it’s questionable claims of vitamin C content. The article happened to have some insightful comments on parenting too. I thought that the following paragraph was probably very relatable to many parents:

I was a fabulous parent before I had children. I confidently predicted that I would not dismiss my kids’s feelings or emotions, nor utter dismissive phrases like ‘you don’t really feel that way towards your brother’ or ‘you can’t be tired, you just slept’. Basking in 8 hours of blissfully uninterrupted sleep, I recognised then the genuine feelings and emotions of children; that it is perfectly possible that they could have just slept and still be tired; or that they might well be angry with a sibling. Stock parental responses – aimed at stemming that particular argument – would never pass my lips.

I remember writing something called ‘The Postive Parenting Programme’ when I was at school. I can’t remember the purpose for writing it now, but the idea was to encourage parents to respond in a positive way to their children and to minimise the use of negative language like ‘no’ and ‘don’t do that’…. As I grew older, I maintained the view that we didn’t need to use the word ‘no’ with children and I guess I hoped I would be a ‘positive’ parent.

The truth is, I do use the word ‘no’ with my son and I do tell him not to do certain things. On the one hand, maybe that’s the easy option because it takes less time to say ‘no’ than to use a different technique like distracting them or stopping to think how you can tell them to stay away from something in a postive way. On the other hand, as a parent now, I see things a little differently to how I did when I was younger. I think it is ok to say ‘no’, especially in a potentially dangerous situation when you need your child to sense the risk or hazard in something they might be touching or doing.

For me, it’s more important not to use negative language like ‘no’ or ‘don’t do that’ too much of the time. If you use it all the time, it loses its significance somewhat. Also, something I’ve read that I think is a good point to remember is that we should pick our battles. If your child’s doing something you’d rather they didn’t but it isn’t actually naughty or dangerous, then let it go. So what if something gets messed up? It can get cleaned up later and it’s all part of our child’s exploratory nature that sometimes we need to remember to encourage.

Most likely, many of us are not the parent we wanted to be. The reality of parenthood is that it can be a lot to deal with sometimes and as a consequence we can react to our children or respond to situations in ways we never thought we would. Being a parent is a wonderful, rewarding journey but there are all sorts of challenges along the way, which we have no way to prepare for in advance! I think it can be helpful every now and then to consider our own parenting, how we speak to our children and whether we’re doing all the things we’d hoped to do pre-parenthood. Whilst we might never achieve our idea of the ‘perfect parent’, thinking about our attitude and approach is a good way to recognise areas where we could make small changes for the better.

Are there things you do now as a parent that you never thought you’d do pre-parenthood? Has your outlook on parenting changed significantly since you have become a parent?

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A friend of mine recently heard an interview with Mayim Bialik, an American actress who is now also a spokesperson for the Holistic Moms Network, a group for parents focused on holistic, green living. One of the subjects touched on in the interview was that of ‘Elimination Communication’. For those of you unsure of this term (as I was), it’s essentially a form of toilet-training that involves none or minimal use of nappies. The parent has to tune into the signals their child gives when needing the toilet. Mayim had her second son trained by 11 months.

At first thought it sounds a bit crazy and extremely messy! However when you think of more primitive societies elsewhere in the world who don’t have access or need for all the stuff we use with our babies and children, they obviously get by just fine and probably use a similar technique of looking for indications from the child. Same goes for when you think about many years ago before nappies were first used (back in the 1590s).

The more I thought about it, the more I realised that whatever you may think about the idea itself, it certainly gives the parent a strong incentive to develop a particular awareness of their child’s toilet habits. With the reliance we have on nappies, the ease and convenience that they provide, we don’t have the same incentive to toilet train our children. Often it’s a case of needing to potty train because a nursery or school requires it or because your child reaches an age where it’s normal to start the process.

Whilst it’s not something I feel I’d be brave enough to tackle, I think it’s a very interesting approach to toilet training. It encourages parents to trust and follow their instincts and to develop great awareness of their children. I definitely have admiration for those mothers like Mayim Bialik who have used Elimination Communication successfully for their babies. For me, this was something I hadn’t even heard of before my friend related the interview she’d heard, but maybe that’s just me! It obviously compliments the same philosophy behind attachment parenting, with a focus on a mother demonstrating sensitivity to her child’s needs.

If you want to find out more, have a look at these websites here and here.

Had you heard of Elimination Communication? What are your thoughts about the approach? Can you imagine using very few nappies with your baby or none at all?

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Toys can be great fun for children. They can provide amusement and be educational. However, they can be expensive and they can take up a lot of space in your home. Inevitably, you’ll have some toys that your child never plays with and it can be hard sometimes to know what they will really get hours of enjoyment from, when you are staring at shelves of toys in a shop. This post talks about a few ways you can be a bit creative with toys, enabling your child to play with a variety of things, develop their exploratory side and yet not requiring you to buy and store lots of new toys.

My son has recently discovered the contents of one our kitchen cupboards. Conveniently it has little plastic containers in that I used to use for storing his pureed baby food when he was younger and they don’t get used now. They’re small, they’re unbreakable and they are within easy reach when you open the cupboard, so are perfect for him to take out, play with and then put back. I remember a Mummy Zen reader once mentioned in a comment that she had set aside a cupboard in the kitchen for her child in which there were some things to play with and I thought that was a nice idea. I guess that has sort of happened but without me planning it!

You often hear how children enjoy playing with ordinary things around the house, sometimes more than their own toys. I’ve mentioned before that my son has enjoyed playing with cardboard boxes and he also likes flipping the pages of  magazines and playing with random articles of clothing he finds. The site Simple Mom, back in 2008 listed these 11 cheap (and free) toys for young children:

1. Egg cartons.
2. Chalk.
3. Water and cups.
4. Paper and safety scissors
5. Dried beans or rice.
5. Toilet paper or paper towel tubes.
6. Old clean socks.
7. Washed out empty food containers.
8. Balloons.
9. Books.
10. Paper and crayons.
11. A cardboard box.

Myself and a group of mums and toddlers meet in a space we hire out for an hour and a half one afternoon each week. We all bring a few toys with us and then all the children play with each others toys and have space to crawl and run around. It’s been great in the cold weather when we can’t get outside to play. My son always enjoys it and loves getting to play with toys he doesn’t have at home and that are very different to things he does have. The other children are the same. It’s a simple way to share toys amongst friends and sometimes if a particular child develops a strong attachment to a certain toy, the owner of it  will usually suggest to the child’s mother that they take it home for the week.

That brings me onto toy libraries. A local playgroup near us operates a toy library once a week. You borrow toys for a week and everyone’s very generous about bringing toys for lending too. It means your child can try out toys you don’t have at home without you having to spend any money.

With the cost and clutter associated with toys, it’s good to be a bit creative with them. It’s easy to do, either by encouraging play with things around the house such as those in the list from Simple Mom above or by lending and borrowing toys amongst friends or using a toy library. These methods can provide all kinds of fun for your children whilst you avoid accumulating more stuff in your home and save money too.

What kinds of things around the house have your children taken to playing with? Do have lots of toys at home or have you got rid of things your child’s grown out of and no longer plays with?

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