Mummy Zen

I was at a playgroup yesterday and was talking to another mum whose daughter is a few months older than my son. She was telling me how difficult it is anytime she leaves somewhere to go home. Her daughter will lie on the floor, kicking and screaming and not wanting to go. Her mother had advised bribing her with chocolate biscuits so that was what she planned to try when it came to the end of the playgroup. I watched as she carried out her screaming daughter, telling her she could have a chocolate biscuit. She put her in the pushchair and gave her the promised biscuit and her daughter calmed right down and nibbled happily on it. The mum was relieved and impressed that her mother’s tip had worked. She had started to dread going anywhere because of her daughter’s tantrum when it was time to leave but now it seemed, she had a successful way to deal with it.

I had to wonder to myself whether rewarding her daughter’s screaming with a chocolate biscuit was really a successful solution. I am yet to experience a tantrum with my son but I can appreciate how stressful they can be for a parent and that every mum wants something that will fix the situation fast.

We all know tantrums are a toddler’s expression of frustration, growing independence and sometimes a demand for attention. They are a challenging side of parenting and an exercise in our own self-control and patience. From what I’ve read, the overriding pieces of advice for dealing with tantrums seem to be as follows:

• Ignore the child’s outburst as much as possible.
• Avoid yelling or making a scene and try to stay calm.
• Distract the child with something else.

Once over, the tantrum should be forgotten and a hug given to the child. Praising good behaviour and allowing your child to have choices when possible are thought to help towards minimising the number of tantrums.

Sometimes it will be simply tiredness or hunger that cause a tantrum. Hunger should be easily dealt with if you carry snacks and a drink with you when you are out and ensure your child’s been fed before a supermarket trip or other visit where you want to avoid a melt-down. Tiredness can be harder to control if you’re doing something out of their usual routine, like travelling or attending a wedding for example. We all have those days when our children refuse to take a nap and sometimes there’s just nothing you can do!

There are no easy answers for dealing with trying toddlers. The best thing we can do as parents is to try to be calm around them, identify what might have caused a tantrum so we can address it if it’s related to food, tiredness or them needing help with a task and remember that it is after all a stage in their development and won’t last!

How do you deal with toddler tantrums? Do you have any advice to share to other mums?

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Some of you might have read Tom Hodgkinson’s’ Idle Parent’ column in the Daily Telegraph.  His parenting advice is of the very laid-back approach and his writing is certainly good for a laugh.  As Editor to The Idler magazine, Hodginson has gone on to write a few books, one of which is called The Idle Parent: Why Less Means More When Raising Kids. I haven’t read the book but I did recently come across the website for the book.

Included on the site is the following parenting manifesto:

THE MANIFESTO OF THE IDLE PARENT

We reject the idea that parenting requires hard work
We pledge to leave our children alone
We reject the rampant consumerism that invades children from the moment they are born
We read them poetry and fantastic stories without morals
We drink alcohol without guilt
We reject the inner Puritan
We don’t waste money on family days out and holidays
An idle parent is a thrifty parent
An idle parent is a creative parent
We lie in bed for as long as possible
We try not to interfere
We play in the fields and forests
We push them into the garden and shut the door so we can clean the house
We both work as little as possible, particularly when the kids are small
Time is more important than money
Happy mess is better than miserable tidiness
Down with school
We fill the house with music and merriment
We reject health and safety guidelines
We embrace responsibility
There are many paths
More play, less work

I definitely don’t agree with everything here but I do think there are some good statements and I’ve put those I agree with in grey text.  I like the idea of writing a manifesto for the kind of parent you want to be and think it’s a nice way to consider what’s important for you and your partner in bringing up your children. There are probably lots of things I could add to my own manifesto but here are a few thoughts:

• We nurture family traditions
• We seek adventure both close to home and afar
• We share fun with friends and learn to play together
• A happy child has happy parents
• Most things can be replaced so we avoid upset over accidental breakages
• We respect those around us and our natural environment

Whilst I might not be an ‘idle parent’ myself, I do share some of Tom Hodgkinson’s values as expressed in his manifesto and find it a nice reminder of some of the significant and enjoyable aspects of being a parent. An emphasis on play, merriment and happy mess might not be practical all day, every day, but those after all are the things that children enjoy and that help towards a happy memorable childhood. It’s useful to bring attention to those activities and attitudes that represent good parenting for you.

How much of the Idle Parent Manifest would you agree with? What would be on your own parenting manifesto?

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When our son was first born, one piece of advice from a member of the extended family was to start reading to him immediately. She thought it helped them get used to being read to before they are at an age where they can fidget and move away. Both my husband and I are quite keen readers anyway, but we took her advice and started reading to our son early on. When he was  too tiny to stay awake long or notice the book properly, we would just read our own books aloud to him for a little while. As he got a bit older, we started reading children’s books to him and as with most parents, a story before bed is part of his bedtime routine. Now at age one and a bit, he loves books and being read to. He’ll sit quietly on your lap and help turn the pages. He loves books with flaps to lift too.

I just added a few children’s books to my Library page on here. Interestingly, none of them are books I had in my own childhood but they are all enjoyed by our son and we like reading them too! I do however have memories of my parents reading books to me regularly and I grew up loving to read. Two books stick out in my memory in particular. One is a large flower fairy book that was probably between two and three feet high and used to be my mother’s. It was thirty or so years old when I was a child and a bit fragile, beautifully illustrated and unique for being so big a book. The other, is Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats by T. S. Eliot, a collection of humorous cat poems that my dad used to enjoy reading to me.

There’s something wonderful about getting wrapped up in a story and as a parent, watching little eyes engage with the pictures and later, with the story itself. With TV, computers and living in an age of digital media, I think it’s nice to encourage an appreciation of books with our little ones and there are some great books out there for all ages to make the task easier.

What are your favourite children’s books? Do they tend to be ones you remember from your own childhood or do you go on recommendations from other parent friends? Do you read to your children before bed? If you have older children, how have their reading habits developed?

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As a regular reader of Gretchen Rubin’s inspirational blog The Happiness Project, I couldn’t wait to read her book which was published at the end of last year.  It finally arrived a couple of weeks ago and I just finished reading it. It was a great read and one I think many of you would also enjoy.

The book details her year-long pursuit of seeking to increase her personal sense of happiness through focusing on different areas of her life and following a set of resolutions.  She read a lot on the philosophy of happiness and her resolutions involved a variety of techniques based on what she felt might be worth trying. It’s a very engaging read and the strategies Gretchen employs are things that we can all try out ourselves.

These are the subject areas Gretchen chose to focus on for the project (one for each month of the year, with December as the final month to try all of them at the same time!):

• Vitality (Boosting energy)
• Marriage
• Work
• Parenthood
• Leisure
• Friendship
• Money
• Eternity
• Passion (Pursuing a passion)
• Mindfullness
• Attitude

There were many helpful and insightful resolutions in the book but I’ll highlight three in this post, each from a different subject area:

Vitality (boost energy)

Going to sleep earlier: Only the other night my husband said to me, ‘Every morning I tell myself that I will go to bed earlier, but every evening I stay up late finishing something and then in the morning I regret it!’. This is a great correlation to Gretchen’s task of going to bed as soon as she felt sleepy. Many of us mums can relate to her point that evenings are valuable to us because the children are in bed, our partner is home, we have some free time….all these things make it hard for us to go to bed. We stay up watching TV, reading, browsing the internet, sending emails and go to bed later than we intend. Yet, as her resolution proved to her, Gretchen felt the benefits of getting a full eight hours sleep at night. More sleep really does equate to more energy.

Parenthood

Acknowledge the reality of people’s feelings: This might not sound like something concerning parenting but Gretchen discovered the importance of acknowledging her children’s feelings. She realised that she frequently said things to her children like, “You can’t possibly want more Legos, you never play with the ones you have” or “You’re not hungry, you just ate”. When she instead repeated her child’s assertions back to them, it was surprisingly effective as a means to diffuse their frustration. Instead of saying “Don’t whine, you love to take a bath!”, she said, “You’re having fun playing. You don’t want to take a bath now, even though it’s time”. Gretchen wondered if they felt reassured that their thoughts had been recognised and acknowledged, instead of feeling like they were being ignored. In addition to this technique, Gretchen lists five other ways to acknowledge her children’s feelings that she tried out. In all cases, Gretchen demonstrates that responding in a caring way rather than jumping to be dismissive of something your child says works best for both parent and child.

Attitude

Give positive reviews: Gretchen’s aim here was to tone down her critical side and to show more warmth and enthusiasm towards others. Finding the positive side to a situation isn’t always easy but it makes a big difference on those around you. Gretchen gave one example of going to see a movie with her husband and when her mother-in-law asked her about it afterwards, she resisted the urge to say, “Well, not bad” and instead told her, “It was such a treat to go see a movie in the afternoon”. Being surrounded by happy, positive, cheery people usually tends to reflect back on us, making us feel the same way. We can all probably aspire to be a bit less critical in our interactions with others. Whilst it’s a lot easier to snap at someone, trying to override that inclination and saying something positive will make you and those around you feel happier.

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Have any of you read the book or plan on doing so? Are there any areas of your life that you think could benefit from a resolution or two?

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Photo taken on our last ski trip to Norway

We’re going on holiday on Saturday, skiing with my husband’s family in Colorado. I got to thinking about holidays from my childhood and the many fond memories I have. Probably my ealiest holiday memory is when my parents took my two older brothers and I to France when I was four. It was a great family trip. However, I have more vivid memories from a later trip to Italy…..

When I was 8, my parents took me to Italy. My dad had been learning Italian at night-school and was keen to practise with some natives. My parents didn’t have a lot of money but we travelled around various parts of Italy for a couple of weeks, using the Let’s Go: Italyguide for travel on a budget. It was such a great experience. The Italians love children so I was always being given little gifts and treats from shopkeepers or extra slices of dessert in restaurants. Already at age 8 I drank black coffee which surprised all the waiters. We saw stunning historical sites and beautiful art and architecture, Italian stalions on their Vespas and glamorous signorinas, even Peter O’Toole and Andreotti (alas, I was too young to appreciate these minor celebrity sightings!). We also watched fascinating drug dealers in action one evening from our hotel window in Rome!

There were little mishaps along the way, like my mother and I jumping on a bus and it pulling away before my dad got on, or the day I locked myself in a restaurant toilet and couldn’t get out. When I did finally get out, I was greeted by a cheering small crowd and a young waiter carried me down the stairs to my unsuspecting parents who were totally oblivious to what had happened. Needless to say, I got some extra dessert after the ordeal!

A child’s outlook on a holiday differs greatly to that of an adult. They are in awe of new surroundings, delighted by the differences of the place and open to adventure. As adults we easily lose that sense of adventure we used to have, as we get exasperated about delayed flights or increased airport security measures. Maybe the hotel isn’t what we were expecting, maybe the challenges of travelling with children are getting us down. It’s a shame to lose sight of the fun and joy of new experiences one gets from going somewhere new.

Our expectations have a lot to do with our enjoyment of a holiday too. We’re all probably guilty of counting down the days to a forthcoming trip and having an idea in our head of what it’ll be like, what we’ll do each day and how great it will all be. Once we get there, if something isn’t how we’d expected it to be or doesn’t go to plan, we feel disappointed. Children, on the other hand, don’t have these kinds of expectations. To them, it’s an adventure waiting to unfold and they’re ready for any eventuality.

So, I’m going to look at my holiday with the enthusiasm of a child! Rather than get annoyed by the added security measures currently applied to all flights going to the US, I’m going to get excited about this being our first ski trip as a family. Instead of dreading the 10 hour flight and wondering how we’ll keep our son happy on the plane, I’m going to remember what a good baby he is and be well-prepared, so we can keep him as content and entertained during the journey as possible. If he cries a little and we get some dirty looks from fellow passengers, so be it! I’m looking forward to getting away, being with family, doing some skiing, enjoying meals and good conversation, taking in the scenery and natural surroundings. These after all, are the fun simple things that make a good holiday.

What childhood holiday memories do you have? What kinds of places or types of holiday have been fun for your family?

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I read a fascinating article in the Christmas issue of The Economist about filth and dirt! It explained the historical change in attitudes towards cleanliness. It was news to me that in the 17th-century bathing was judged as a health risk because medical thought at that time believed the exposure of the body to hot water would mean the skin would open up and thus take in ills or disease. Baths were therefore avoided – apparently Louis XIII wasn’t given a bath until he was almost seven and in England, Elizabeth I took a bath just once a month!

Fast-forward to the early 20th-century and American advertising campaigns promoted cleanliness for our bodies (in the form of soaps, deodorants, dental mouthwash etc) and also for our homes and clothing (cleaning products for bathrooms/kitchens and laundry detergents). Today we have a mass of products promising to rid our bodies and home environments of all types of grime,  germs and bacteria. The article concludes by questioning whether our current attitudes towards dirt have gone too far towards the hyper-clean, to the extent we create such sterile environments for our children, that their immune systems fail to fully develop. There’s a theory that insufficient exposure to bacteria might explain growing cases of eczema, asthma and other allergic conditions in richer countries.

The article concludes by mentioning a book, ‘Why Dirt is Good‘ by Mary Ruebush, an American immunologist. She recommends parents encourage their children to play in the dirt in order that they come into contact with the kind of germs required to establish a strong immune system.

I’m in agreement with Ruebush and playing in the dirt is not something I get worried about with my own son. Whilst I have many years to come of him playing in more serious dirt than he has done to date, I think it’s a good part of embracing exploration, adventure and play. As long as hands get washed thoroughly afterwards (and anything else that gets dirty in the process), I’m of the opinion it’s all good fun. However, there is a difference between playing in dirt in a garden or playground and playing amongst germs on a heavily populated floor of a London tube train for example.

The earlier item in the article about bathing is interesting to consider with babies and children too. Mothers of newborns in the UK are advised to top-and-tail initially and only bath the baby once a week, so as not to dry out their delicate skin. Bath products are not advised, instead a few drops of olive oil are recommended to help soften dry skin.

Most parenting books, when talking about establishing a good night-time routine with your child, mention a bath as being a good way to wind down and something to associate with getting ready for bed. I think that’s why most parents quickly progress to giving their baby a bath every night. Is a daily bath necessary though, especially pre-crawling/walking? I still don’t give my one-year old a bath every day. During the winter months when he is playing inside all the time, he doesn’t get very dirty and I naturally keep him clean and wash him on evenings when he doesn’t have a bath. There’s a big market for baby bath products, all with the promise of being gentle to their skin but of course water itself dries out skin. A mother I know who has two children aged 4 and 6 told me she no longer washes their hair (doesn’t use any shampoo) and finds that the natural oils keep it looking perfectly clean and healthy.

Hygiene is a personal matter of course and the same applies to your cleaning habits with your children. I would be interested to hear what you think about frequency of baths, products you approve of, when you started a daily bath routine with your own children. What are your thoughts on encouraging children to play in the dirt?

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Photo by Juan ValldeRuten

Once a child starts crawling, they find a wealth of exploration and adventure around the home. Once they start pulling themselves up, cruising furniture and getting ready to take their first steps, they find a whole lot more is within their reach.

My son’s favourite activity at present is standing at our coffee table and pulling everything off onto the floor, one item at a time. I was chatting to a couple of other mums the other day and one of them said that they got rid of their coffee table and the other mum said she was considering doing the same thing.

We really have not done any baby-proofing in our flat as yet. The crawling stage was manageable and when our son inevitably went towards things like wires and leads, we told him ‘no’ and so far he seems to have learned to steer clear of those things. Maybe we’ve been lucky and I don’t want to tempt fate by writing down and publicly declaring the things he hasn’t even touched or bothered with but so far it really hasn’t been a big deal.

My own mother and my sister-in-law (both mothers to three children) told me that they didn’t do any baby-proofing, as they felt it was good for the children to learn what’s ok to touch and what’s not. My sister-in-law made a good point that if you transform your own home into a totally baby-friendly abode, then when you’re at someone else’s house, your child won’t know that it’s not ok to grab their books and rip the pages out or whatever.

So far, our son’s prefered activities have come in phases, as his curiosity and development has progressed. I figure the table de-robing is just another phase. I can deal with picking the stuff up off the floor and putting it back on the table several times a day (they’re obviously all unbreakable, insignificant things and we’ve added a few baby-friendly things too). I really don’t think we would ever consider getting rid of the coffee table!

Of course, I have a lot of respect for those parents who take measures to create as safe and clear a home environment for their children as possible. It’s all done with the utmost care and desire to protect a child from unnecessary risks. I’m sure there will be elements of baby-proofing that we will incorporate into our home as our son becomes even more mobile, such as kitchen cupboard latches to avoid access to any potentially dangerous implements or substances.

However, I think the touching, picking up, moving and general exploration of new things is an important part of a child’s development and a way for them to exercise some independence. It’s crucial that as parents, we ensure there are no dangerous items within reach but I feel a total re-arrangement of your home should not be needed and could be counter-productive.

What are your experiences? Did you do much baby-proofing of your home? Please share any helpful suggestions in the comments.

With Stella McCartney’s new kids clothing range for Gap recently launched in the UK, there have been lots of articles about fashionably-dressed children and celebrities dressing their children as ‘mini-me’ versions of themselves. Looking at pictures of the McCartney range, it certainly looks very pretty but I was struck at how ‘grown-up’ it all seems and can’t imagine wanting to dress a little girl in an up-to-the-minute fashionable sweater dress or a cashmere and silk hoodie. Even the less grown-up looking tutu looks more frou-frou than fun.

Yesterday I read of an American study conducted by child health researcher Dr Kristen Copeland, looking at 34 playgroups where children between the ages of three and six were attending. She discovered that those children dressed in pricey designer wear were hesitant to engage in running or rough play for fear of ruining their clothes. Likewise, staff were cautious about encouraging them to join in such activities.

It seems sad to me that children would feel such concern over their clothing that it impinges on their enjoyment and playtime. Of course, if we dress our child in a cute outfit, we all like it to stay looking as good as possible, for as long as possible but we also know that whether it’s food, play or a messy nappy – accidents happen.

A few friends and my sister-in-law have very kindly passed on clothes from their children for my son to wear. Hand-me-downs are such a great gift. With babies growing so fast, you could spend a fortune on clothes that last just a couple of months. When my son was christened, another friend (with a selection of more formal outfits to dress her son in when they are in her native Spain) lent me an outfit for him to wear. It was nice not to have to buy something just for the sake of the occasion, that I knew he would never wear again.

I take my son to the park almost every day and there’s often a good bit of crawling around in the grass that takes place and his trousers tend to get pretty filthy! On the suggestion of a friend, I now dress him in his ‘park’ trousers when I know he’ll be doing that. A couple of pairs of his trousers have been assigned for the purpose of getting muddy so they don’t all get really dirty and in the case of any stains, it won’t matter. There will always be the special occasions when we want to dress up our little ones so saving the nicer clothes for those days minimises hassle all round.

There are some adorable clothes out there and I do buy the odd thing that I think is super-cute and can’t resist but we should try to have realistic expctations of our children and remember that nice new immaculate clothes probably won’t stay that way for long!

I’ve just started reading a biography of the artist Marc Chagall. He was the oldest of nine children, living in Russia at the start of the twentieth century. It was his mother, who against the odds, got her son into school where Chagall’s interest and desire in becoming an artist was born. It was again his mother, who listened to her son’s calling and took him along to a school of painting where Chagall was identified as having artistic talent and promptly enrolled as a pupil.

For a young Jewish man (still in his teens) living in a Russian town during this period to declare he wanted to pursue a career as an artist would have been totally unfathomable to his mother. Thanks to her maternal instinct, her belief in her son’s conviction, her courage and love and respect for her son, she did everything she could to support his aspirations and Chagall went on to become one of the most successful artists of the twentieth century. She certainly sounds an admirable character and the kind of mother we all need and should strive to be!

Everyone wants the best for their children, for them to accomplish and achieve their dreams. As a parent, it can’t be easy to watch them struggle at times or to see them pursue something far removed from what you might have liked or hoped for them to do. It’s difficult for parents and grandparents to live in different cities or countries from their children, as is now more and more common among families. I imagine it can be challenging accepting certain lifestyle choices that your children make or observing their relationships with people you find it hard to warm to. Yet it’s these very challenges that I think define parenthood.

Chagall’s mother is a testament to what good parenting can achieve. Giving encouragement, support and respect to our children, whilst allowing them to create their own destiny. I was reminded of this extract from Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet:

‘Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you, and yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love, but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward, not tarries with yesterday’.

My son and I are going to a 1st birthday party today. There are quite a number of first birthdays around this time, due to the friends I’ve made with similarly aged babies to my son. Then there’s Christmas not so far away……  Choosing gifts for children can be difficult or maybe it’s just my own inexperience. With such a bewildering array of toys for children, it can be hard to pick out something.

I recently read an article called ‘Economically Shopping for Christmas Toys’ and have provided the link at the end of this post for you to read. A couple of points stood out for me:

- Kids can only soak in so much fun before it gets overwhelming and you are wasting your money. It seems many parents want their children to have lots of gifts to open so the fun never ends but maybe the parents/grandparents are the ones having more fun watching the gifts being opened, rather than the child appreciating all the new toys.

- Resist the urge to wrap a bunch of cheap toys just for the impact. Buying a few quality toys that will last for years is much more economical. Quality, not quantity is definitely a good adage to follow and it’s nice to have toys that siblings or other friends and family can continue to enjoy.

When I think of some of the best presents given for our son, the hand-made gifts certainly stand out. Some of our family and friends gave us hand-made blankets, a rug, hand-knitted jumpers and a mix CD for the baby and us to enjoy. Every time we use these things we think of the people who gave them to us. There’s a great deal of value in the kindness and thought behind these gifts.

Are there particular gifts that you and your children have really appreciated and enjoyed? I’d also be interested to hear how do you do gift-giving in your family.

Read the article, ‘Economically Shopping for Christmas Toys’ here.