Mummy Zen

A lot of my mummy friends are pregnant with baby number two at the moment. Earlier this week I saw one of them who had her second baby just two weeks ago. This was the first time I’ve seen her out with the two children and so I was glad to run into her and ask her how it’s all going. The little one was tucked away asleep in the pram so I didn’t get a good look and am going to visit her at home tomorrow.

I decided to make some food to take over for my friend. I’m making a lasagne for her and husband to have for dinner one night and will bake some cake in the morning to take to her too. I remember how hard it is, those first few weeks especially, when you are trying to throw some dinner together after an exhausting day and usually around the time the baby gets particularly fussy too. Parenting magazines and books recommend you cooking and freezing food for dinners before the baby arrives but let’s face it, not all of us are that well organised and even if we are, those supplies will soon run out.

The same magazines and books tell you not to worry about looking after visitors when they come to see the baby. If they offer to make you a cup of tea, do some of your ironing and if they bring you food, accept all this great help! That’s what I remember reading but it’s definitely not what happened when our friends came to visit! Maybe that’s because not many of our friends here in London have children. Our family certainly helped out with meals, washing and lots of other household chores during their visits.

The ideas themselves are good though and as a mother now, I have a greater appreciation for these types of gestures and how helpful they really are for tired, fraught parents. Here are six suggestions for ways to help out a new mum (or dad!):

1. Look after them in their own home when you visit. Make them a cup of tea and bring some biscuits or cake to have with it and as a treat for the mum. Generally try to avoid them waiting on you in any way.
2. Offer to watch the baby for an hour or two. Even a short break can be wonderful for a new mum so they can have a lie-down or enjoy a long soak in the bath.
3. Bring food. It’s one less thing for them to think about. It could be a meal or a box of delicious, healthy foods you know they’ll enjoy. A friend of ours once emailed a bunch of friends suggesting we all made a contribution to some take-aways or other meals for some new parents (friends of ours) whose twins were in hospital for a long time and who were consequently having a tough start to parenthood. As they lived in a different country to us, this meant we could help out in a small way.
4. Offer to help with domestic chores. Can you put on some washing for them, fold some clothes that are dry, do some washing-up or load the dishwasher?
5. Encourage a bit of relaxation. Bring some magazines or a movie over for a bit of light entertainment while the baby is sleeping. I got a lot of reading done whilst breastfeeding for the first couple of months and it felt like a real treat for my husband and I to watch an hour or so of a movie in an evening whilst our son was asleep.
6. Be there for them. On the end of the phone or in person, let them know you’ll do what you can to help in any way. Maybe they want some company on their first outing with the new baby or for you to pick up some nappies for them so they don’t have to leave the house. Having someone to turn to in their hour of need is invaluable.

The same things apply to anyone with a new baby, whether they themselves are a new mum or whether it’s their third or fourth child. Those same needs are there and more experience with babies doesn’t mean the parent can’t benefit from a helping hand – maybe they need it all the more!

Do you have other ideas to add to the list? Were there things that your friends did when you first had your baby that really helped? In retrospect, can you think of things you wish people had done to help you out?

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I loved reading this list of 19 tips from 200 years ago for cheering yourself up over at The Happiness Project recently. I’ve chosen a few from the list that I like and that work for me:

• Be as busy as you can.
• See as much as you can of those friends who respect and like you.
• Compare your lot with that of other people.
• Be as much as you can in the open air without fatigue.
• Make the room where you commonly sit gay and pleasant.

I had some upsetting news recently and was feeling pretty sad and definitely needed cheering up. When I look at the tips I’ve listed above, I can honestly say those were all things that helped me through a tough couple of days.

Keeping busy makes the time pass faster and gives you less time to think and get upset. Seeing friends is a great distraction and mood booster. Realising and thinking about your own sad situation in comparison with others you know who’ve suffered much worse, makes you feel thankful and more fortunate than you felt at first. Being out in the open air is invigorating and helps clear your head of sad thoughts and makes you aware of other things around you. The last point, of making your surroundings at home pleasant is important too. If you are sitting with a cup in a tea in a tidy living room with some of your favourite music playing, you’re going to feel a lot better than if those surroundings were in complete disarray.

One thing I’d have to add to the list: have lots of hugs. That always helps cheer me up!

Have a look at the full list and let me know which you like the best. What do you find works best for you when you need to be cheered up?

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Toys can be great fun for children. They can provide amusement and be educational. However, they can be expensive and they can take up a lot of space in your home. Inevitably, you’ll have some toys that your child never plays with and it can be hard sometimes to know what they will really get hours of enjoyment from, when you are staring at shelves of toys in a shop. This post talks about a few ways you can be a bit creative with toys, enabling your child to play with a variety of things, develop their exploratory side and yet not requiring you to buy and store lots of new toys.

My son has recently discovered the contents of one our kitchen cupboards. Conveniently it has little plastic containers in that I used to use for storing his pureed baby food when he was younger and they don’t get used now. They’re small, they’re unbreakable and they are within easy reach when you open the cupboard, so are perfect for him to take out, play with and then put back. I remember a Mummy Zen reader once mentioned in a comment that she had set aside a cupboard in the kitchen for her child in which there were some things to play with and I thought that was a nice idea. I guess that has sort of happened but without me planning it!

You often hear how children enjoy playing with ordinary things around the house, sometimes more than their own toys. I’ve mentioned before that my son has enjoyed playing with cardboard boxes and he also likes flipping the pages of  magazines and playing with random articles of clothing he finds. The site Simple Mom, back in 2008 listed these 11 cheap (and free) toys for young children:

1. Egg cartons.
2. Chalk.
3. Water and cups.
4. Paper and safety scissors
5. Dried beans or rice.
5. Toilet paper or paper towel tubes.
6. Old clean socks.
7. Washed out empty food containers.
8. Balloons.
9. Books.
10. Paper and crayons.
11. A cardboard box.

Myself and a group of mums and toddlers meet in a space we hire out for an hour and a half one afternoon each week. We all bring a few toys with us and then all the children play with each others toys and have space to crawl and run around. It’s been great in the cold weather when we can’t get outside to play. My son always enjoys it and loves getting to play with toys he doesn’t have at home and that are very different to things he does have. The other children are the same. It’s a simple way to share toys amongst friends and sometimes if a particular child develops a strong attachment to a certain toy, the owner of it  will usually suggest to the child’s mother that they take it home for the week.

That brings me onto toy libraries. A local playgroup near us operates a toy library once a week. You borrow toys for a week and everyone’s very generous about bringing toys for lending too. It means your child can try out toys you don’t have at home without you having to spend any money.

With the cost and clutter associated with toys, it’s good to be a bit creative with them. It’s easy to do, either by encouraging play with things around the house such as those in the list from Simple Mom above or by lending and borrowing toys amongst friends or using a toy library. These methods can provide all kinds of fun for your children whilst you avoid accumulating more stuff in your home and save money too.

What kinds of things around the house have your children taken to playing with? Do have lots of toys at home or have you got rid of things your child’s grown out of and no longer plays with?

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Last week ended up being a tiring one with my son suffering from a bad cough, cold and a bit of a fever for several days. He was thoroughly miserable and you could tell it hurt his throat every time he coughed and he must have got sick of me wiping his constantly runny nose. We had a couple of disturbed nights as a result too and daytime naps were all over the place. It’s a common enough scenario for anyone with young children, it’s upsetting to see them suffering and can make for long tiring days for the parent or person looking after them.

I’ve written before about colds and ways to try to avoid catching them and how to deal with them if you do catch one. I think my son had more than just a cold this time round though and it made me think about ways to deal with looking after a sick child when they are not fit for anything, have  no desire to play, are too ill to take out to usual activities or to mix with friends and just getting through a day can feel like a bit of a struggle. These are some of the things that helped my son and I get through a tough week and some other ideas I had for dealing with a child who’s unwell:

(1) Be flexible. Chances are your usual routine will be unsettled when your child’s ill. Follow their lead and if it seems like they want a snack at a time you wouldn’t usually give one, let them have something. If they seem like they want to sleep at a different time to when they take their nap, lay them down. They’ll soon bounce back to the regular routine once they are feeling back to normal.

(2) Fresh air. This depends to an extent how sick the child is but usually you can get them out for a walk at some point. As long as they are well wrapped up for the weather, it can do you both the world of good to have a walk somewhere. I found my son in much better spirits whenever we returned from a walk out in the fresh air.

(3) Keep hydrated. Both of you should drink plenty of water throughout the day.

(4) Do things differently. Accept that when your child is feeling under the weather, they won’t want to do what they normally do or play what they usually play. Try doing something with them in a different room of the house or show them something new that might bring a smile to their face. My son seemed brighter when we were in the kitchen or in our bedroom, rather than in his usual play area in the living room.

(5) Have some company. Whilst my son was too ill to go to a playgroup or to a friend’s house to play, I did still get him out in the pushchair to the park and was able to meet up with some mummy friends for a bit of a chat. It can be a good boost to your mood to see friends or to have a phone conversation with a friend.

(6) Rest when they rest. I hadn’t done this since my son was a newborn but decided to have a lie-down when he napped during the day and it really helped. I was refreshed when he woke up and able to give him all the energy and comfort he needed.

(7) Be patient. You might feel exhausted by their crying, clingyness or complaining but it must be pretty frustrating for them to feel unwell and not be able to do anything about it and maybe not be able to communicate what’s wrong to a parent if they are very young. If you’re feeling fraught, take a moment for some deep breaths,  roll back your shoulders and gently roll your neck from side to side to regain a sense of calm and to relax your body.

(8) Take a break. This isn’t always possible but if you have a friend or family member who can come and relieve you for a while, it’ll do you the world of good to have a little ‘time off’. My husband was able to come home a bit earlier than usual on a couple of evenings and it brightened up the day for both my son and I!

(9) Easy eating. Make life easy for them and give them foods they like and that are easy to eat and comforting to them. Don’t worry if they seem off their food. They’ll soon get their appetite back once they are feeling well again.

(10) Lots of love. Extra hugs and attention are important to provide reassurance when your little one is feeling under the weather. Let them know you’re doing everything you can to make them feel as happy as possible and to speed their recovery.

What works for you when your child is ill? Do you have other tips to share?

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I was at a playgroup yesterday and was talking to another mum whose daughter is a few months older than my son. She was telling me how difficult it is anytime she leaves somewhere to go home. Her daughter will lie on the floor, kicking and screaming and not wanting to go. Her mother had advised bribing her with chocolate biscuits so that was what she planned to try when it came to the end of the playgroup. I watched as she carried out her screaming daughter, telling her she could have a chocolate biscuit. She put her in the pushchair and gave her the promised biscuit and her daughter calmed right down and nibbled happily on it. The mum was relieved and impressed that her mother’s tip had worked. She had started to dread going anywhere because of her daughter’s tantrum when it was time to leave but now it seemed, she had a successful way to deal with it.

I had to wonder to myself whether rewarding her daughter’s screaming with a chocolate biscuit was really a successful solution. I am yet to experience a tantrum with my son but I can appreciate how stressful they can be for a parent and that every mum wants something that will fix the situation fast.

We all know tantrums are a toddler’s expression of frustration, growing independence and sometimes a demand for attention. They are a challenging side of parenting and an exercise in our own self-control and patience. From what I’ve read, the overriding pieces of advice for dealing with tantrums seem to be as follows:

• Ignore the child’s outburst as much as possible.
• Avoid yelling or making a scene and try to stay calm.
• Distract the child with something else.

Once over, the tantrum should be forgotten and a hug given to the child. Praising good behaviour and allowing your child to have choices when possible are thought to help towards minimising the number of tantrums.

Sometimes it will be simply tiredness or hunger that cause a tantrum. Hunger should be easily dealt with if you carry snacks and a drink with you when you are out and ensure your child’s been fed before a supermarket trip or other visit where you want to avoid a melt-down. Tiredness can be harder to control if you’re doing something out of their usual routine, like travelling or attending a wedding for example. We all have those days when our children refuse to take a nap and sometimes there’s just nothing you can do!

There are no easy answers for dealing with trying toddlers. The best thing we can do as parents is to try to be calm around them, identify what might have caused a tantrum so we can address it if it’s related to food, tiredness or them needing help with a task and remember that it is after all a stage in their development and won’t last!

How do you deal with toddler tantrums? Do you have any advice to share to other mums?

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Artist and musician Scott Hansen had the great idea to ask 25 artists and creators, “What do you do to inspire your creativity when you find yourself in a rut?” Their answers provided some fascinating insight and tips. I’ve chosen some of them to share with you below.

Whilst the people at whom the question was posed are all creative professionals, creativity is something we all deal with. As busy mums, we try to provide creative play for our children, be creative in the kitchen, creative at work and in our minds, some of us do creative art and craft activities and others are creative outdoors; growing plants, vegetables and trying to be more self-sufficient and respectful of the environment.

New ideas and bursts of inspiration are invigorating, fun to put into practice and sometimes challenging. However, most of us at some point find ourselves slipping into easy habits and as time goes on, feel stuck in a rut. That’s where these suggestions come in handy! Here are some of my favourites from Scott Hansen’s list and my interpretations of how they can work for mums:

• I tend to say yes to more than I can do, and the fear of failure keeps the work flowing. Keeping busy and saying yes to activities, invites, visits etc can lead to some good ideas of things to try at home or with friends and family, as well as often being fun. Keeping busy also means less time to drift and feel unmotivated.

• Lots of reading and lots of sketching. Sketching might not be for everyone but even if you’re not artistic, it’s a good way to distract your mind and focus on something very different to the everyday. Reading keeps your mind stimulated, and depending on your choice of reading matter, can be instructive and inspirational. It’s also a nice relaxing alternative to slumping in front of the TV in an evening!

• I try to take some time off if I feel a lack of inspiration. Time off can be as simple as an afternoon or a couple of hours to yourself while someone else looks after the children. Being removed from the day-to-day humdrum is an effective way to revive yourself in all aspects.

• I find it from a combination of sources; experimental music, mid century design/cinema, nature/wildlife, etc. To achieve full creative potential I must sit in the woods, watch Mad Men, and listen to Boards of Canada simultaneously. Getting out in nature, even if it’s just your local park is a great way to clear the head. Enjoyable distractions are a necessary part of escaping the daily grind to help you relax and open your mind again.

• Clean my surroundings. I cannot think clearly when there’s a mess around me. I can’t cook in a messy kitchen and I’m sure crafty types can’t create on a desk piled with papers and rubbish. A clean slate is always a good start.

• Diversify your interests. It’s easy to get locked in our comfort zone of doing the things we are used to doing and regularly enjoy. For whatever reason, many of us tend to stop trying new things but it’s a great way to broaden our interests, meet new people and feel excited about something new.

• What always works the best for me is talking with my friends. They always have some new way of looking at problems that I never would have thought of, or a cool bit of inspiring artwork to show me, or just some words of encouragement that will get me moving again! I too find it helpful to talk with friends. Sharing ideas and getting their input can often be invaluable.

Do you use any of these suggestions when you feel in a bit of a rut? Are there other things you do in an effort to inspire your creativity? If you’re a fellow-mummy blogger, how do you deal with writer’s block?

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I feel like I’m having a constructive week. Despite going to bed earlier, I’ve accomplished a lot more in a day than I do usually. I’ve been tackling some areas of clutter in our home and getting rid of stuff, I’ve done some baking, caught up with some non-mummy friends and in the evenings I’ve been reading and doing a few crafty bits and pieces. I’ve really enjoyed filling my time with more variety and feeling like I’m achieving more in a day.

Getting more done has involved quite a lot less time spent on the computer each day. I don’t spend loads of time on the computer in an average day but I do tend to use most of son’s nap time for reading news, other blogs, sending emails and writing my blog of course! In the evening when my son is in bed, I sometimes do a bit more of that, whilst my husband is often doing the same. This week, I’ve been confining my computer time to the day only and also reducing the time spent on it. So, I haven’t read any news and only read a couple of the many blogs I enjoy reading but it’s been time well spent in other ways.

The non-mummy friend I saw yesterday isn’t working at the moment. She was telling me how she struggles to get things done and misses the satisfaction of working through a list of tasks at work and feeling in control of what’s to be done. She told me she imagined having a baby helps to give your day a sense of structure. She’s right to an extent. I have to get up and start my day around 7.30am every morning and the day is naturally split it up into sections around my son’s naps, meals and bedtime. However, it’s easy to ‘waste’ a day faffing around and not actually doing anything, even with a baby.

The way to get around that, as I think this week has shown me, is to set yourself several very small tasks. For example yesterday, as part of my de-cluttering project, I tackled one big basket in our living room that had a bunch of baby-related stuff in it, from the old NHS pregnancy book my doctor had given me about two years ago, to instructon manuals for baby-related equipment and scraps of sentimental paperwork I wanted to put in my baby book. It didn’t take too long to sort out but it was great to deal with it and get rid of a lot of rubbish I’d been hoarding in there. In addition to that task, I needed to mop the floors and do some cooking in advance of visiting family. All small tasks, but all useful to accomplish and easy to fit in around looking after my son during the day.

It can be a challenge to do things when you’re at home looking after a baby or toddler and I’m not suggesting you should have a rigorous schedule or plan of events for each day! Using the snippets of time you do have free when they are napping or happily engaged in an activity where you can be doing something close by is a good way to fit in a little more though. Dealing with a nagging task might not seem like something to spend time on but as with my basket de-cluttering yesterday, it’s often easier and quicker to get done than you imagined. It’s nice to cross those things off the list! It’s also nice to sit and do something for yourself that you don’t do as often as you like, such as reading, some simple crafts or cooking, depending on what you enjoy.

How do you spend your days if you’re a stay-at-home mum? Do you find it difficult to get stuff done during the day?

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As a regular reader of Gretchen Rubin’s inspirational blog The Happiness Project, I couldn’t wait to read her book which was published at the end of last year.  It finally arrived a couple of weeks ago and I just finished reading it. It was a great read and one I think many of you would also enjoy.

The book details her year-long pursuit of seeking to increase her personal sense of happiness through focusing on different areas of her life and following a set of resolutions.  She read a lot on the philosophy of happiness and her resolutions involved a variety of techniques based on what she felt might be worth trying. It’s a very engaging read and the strategies Gretchen employs are things that we can all try out ourselves.

These are the subject areas Gretchen chose to focus on for the project (one for each month of the year, with December as the final month to try all of them at the same time!):

• Vitality (Boosting energy)
• Marriage
• Work
• Parenthood
• Leisure
• Friendship
• Money
• Eternity
• Passion (Pursuing a passion)
• Mindfullness
• Attitude

There were many helpful and insightful resolutions in the book but I’ll highlight three in this post, each from a different subject area:

Vitality (boost energy)

Going to sleep earlier: Only the other night my husband said to me, ‘Every morning I tell myself that I will go to bed earlier, but every evening I stay up late finishing something and then in the morning I regret it!’. This is a great correlation to Gretchen’s task of going to bed as soon as she felt sleepy. Many of us mums can relate to her point that evenings are valuable to us because the children are in bed, our partner is home, we have some free time….all these things make it hard for us to go to bed. We stay up watching TV, reading, browsing the internet, sending emails and go to bed later than we intend. Yet, as her resolution proved to her, Gretchen felt the benefits of getting a full eight hours sleep at night. More sleep really does equate to more energy.

Parenthood

Acknowledge the reality of people’s feelings: This might not sound like something concerning parenting but Gretchen discovered the importance of acknowledging her children’s feelings. She realised that she frequently said things to her children like, “You can’t possibly want more Legos, you never play with the ones you have” or “You’re not hungry, you just ate”. When she instead repeated her child’s assertions back to them, it was surprisingly effective as a means to diffuse their frustration. Instead of saying “Don’t whine, you love to take a bath!”, she said, “You’re having fun playing. You don’t want to take a bath now, even though it’s time”. Gretchen wondered if they felt reassured that their thoughts had been recognised and acknowledged, instead of feeling like they were being ignored. In addition to this technique, Gretchen lists five other ways to acknowledge her children’s feelings that she tried out. In all cases, Gretchen demonstrates that responding in a caring way rather than jumping to be dismissive of something your child says works best for both parent and child.

Attitude

Give positive reviews: Gretchen’s aim here was to tone down her critical side and to show more warmth and enthusiasm towards others. Finding the positive side to a situation isn’t always easy but it makes a big difference on those around you. Gretchen gave one example of going to see a movie with her husband and when her mother-in-law asked her about it afterwards, she resisted the urge to say, “Well, not bad” and instead told her, “It was such a treat to go see a movie in the afternoon”. Being surrounded by happy, positive, cheery people usually tends to reflect back on us, making us feel the same way. We can all probably aspire to be a bit less critical in our interactions with others. Whilst it’s a lot easier to snap at someone, trying to override that inclination and saying something positive will make you and those around you feel happier.

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Have any of you read the book or plan on doing so? Are there any areas of your life that you think could benefit from a resolution or two?

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There are lots of little things associated with our children that we want to hold onto….a first babygrow, some toys, examples of their artwork. Even when they are quite little you find yourself wanting to keep things of theirs that you think they’ll appreciate seeing when they are grown adults and when they have children of their own. This can involve storing items for quite a period of time so it’s important to consider what’s really worth saving.

Over at the Small Notebook blog, mother of two, Rachel, offers some good advice on the topic of keepsakes. Rachel suggests we ask ourselves three simple questions:

How much was it loved?

How big is it?

How well will it keep?

It’s easy to form sentimental attachment to things which are not practical to keep long-term. By asking yourself these three questions you eliminate holding onto items that can become tiresome to keep because they take up a lot of space or are prone to damage.

We have all probably been asked by our parents what they should do with boxes of our own childhood keepsakes. We might not want them at the time they ask us, we might not have the storage space to take them off their hands but Rachel rightly advises tackling the boxes together to sort through and decide what you really want to keep. For those of us living far away from our parents, Rachel suggests the process can be done via email, with pictures sent and the simple question, ‘Do you want this?’. I haven’t done this yet with my parents but I can immediately think of things they have stored away that could be cleared out.

I think keepsakes are an important part of treasuring childhood memories for both parent and child. They are a touching reminder of the past and of joyful moments. They can also serve as a kind of fun historical insight for grandchildren or great-grandchildren, if a toy or object no longer exists. The key is in striking a balance between keeping a few things of significance and not letting our sentimental side get the better of us.

How do you decide what keepsakes of your children to hold onto? Are you very sentimental or quite ruthless when it comes to keeping stuff?

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“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one”.

Leo J. Burke

We’re back after a great week away. The 10 hour flight (18 hour total journey time) to the middle of Colorado went well and we were again impressed by the travel resilience of our one-year old. The return flight, as is usual when flying from the US back to the UK, was overnight and crossed a 7 hour time zone difference. My husband and I had been pretty confident that this return leg of the journey would be a breeze because our son would sleep the whole way. How wrong we were! Probably due to the fact he’d only had a 25 minute nap that day, he was overtired and we had a complete melt-down, something we’ve never experienced before with our generally chilled-out little guy. Anyway, we all survived but were exhausted and sleep-starved by the time we were back home mid-morning. We all had a good two-hour nap after lunch and then that night we had the luxury of a 12-hour night’s sleep (just over 14 hours for our son)! That was the best night’s sleep I have had in a long time and did us all the world of good.

It made me think back to those first couple of months of motherhood when a regular night’s sleep isn’t even an option. No matter how tired you are, there’s just never that opportunity to have an extra-long sleep to catch up. Even napping when they nap, as everyone righty advises, doesn’t help that much and is more difficult than it sounds.

Chris Lopez, dad to four girls, writes a blog for busy dads to help them keep a healthy active lifestyle. He wrote a post towards the end of last year, listing his tips for managing your energy levels during the tough time of sleepless nights. Whilst his site is aimed at dads, his tips apply to anyone and I think he has some good advice for anyone struggling to keep going on little sleep. His six tips are as follows:

1. Stay on Schedule (even though every ounce of your being is telling you not to)
2. Drink lots of water
3. The 20-minute nap
4. Avoid sugary foods
5. Caffeine management
6. Get outside

I have to agree with all of these but especially drinking lots of water and getting outside. Keeping hydrated is really important when your body’s deprived of something (sleep in this case). Going out for some fresh air is something I feel like I’m always going on about but it simply makes you feel much better, both physically and mentally.

For any new mums or mums to children who still have sleep issues, these are helpful suggestions to hold you over until the stage when you can go back to enjoying a full uninterrupted night’s sleep. It feels like you’ll never get back to that stage but you will! I don’t think you ever appreciate sleep as much as when you are a parent, it’s a real luxury to me these days!

Do you have any other tips to add for surviving on very little sleep?

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